One Is the Loneliest Number

February 14: the day that I always dread

Why is that you ask? I'll touch on the reasons why towards the end of this story. I tend to keep my personal romantic relationships relatively private. However, I believe that being open and transparent about my love life is necessary. I'll share a story about two separate relationships I was in and why they failed.

The first serious relationship I was in occurred in March 2012. At the time, I was nearing completion of finishing my vocational trade and lived on campus in Arkansas. This was a month after I came out. Before this, I discovered online dating and one man caught my attention. His name was Scott and he was 25 years older than me. We talked for a while before we met one another in person. I was a 24-year-old who fell in love for the first time. Scott was from Texas, like yours truly. I grew up in Texas, just in case most of you didn't know. I still live in Arkansas to this day. Scott drove hours to meet me for the first time. I left campus for the weekend and we went to a local motel. My first impression of him was amazing. Scott was so good looking, a nice body, a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, and charming. That was when I had my first kiss and it felt electric. We were in love and spent the entire weekend together. Scott and I felt like we were a perfect match. However, I messed that up because I wasn't willing to be fully open about my sexuality to everyone, fearing harsh judgment from others. That included uber religious people. Before the weekend was over, Scott and I were no more. We loved each other, but he was bothered by me not being open and honest about my true self to everyone. I had many reasons why I was so hesitant to be fully out to every single person. I only came out to a few of my friends at school and that was it. Plus, I feared condemnation from my now estranged parents and siblings, due to them being religious. I was already estranged from them for about a year at the time, but still. Scott and I sadly went our separate ways. He returned to Texas feeling disappointed, while I focused on completing my vocational trade in time for me to graduate, which I ended up doing with Honors two months later. To date, this was my shortest relationship.

The second relationship I'll be discussing was back in early 2019. At the time, I was living with a roommate and did some online dating. I haven't given up on love, so I decided to give it another go. Suddenly, I ran into a 50 something year-old man named Dale from Wisconsin. His handsome looks and charm won me over. We talked online and by text for months before he came down to Arkansas one weekend that June for the local Pride Parade. His Wisconsin accent turned me on so much. For Valentine's Day that year, he sent me candy, flowers, and underwear. I loved those gifts and I thought to myself, "He is romantic." Back to June 2019: Dale arrived in Arkansas to spend time with me. It was way past midnight when he arrived and when I first saw him in person, I couldn't wait to kiss him. He also had a surprise for me: an engagement ring. Dale asked me to marry him and I said yes. I shared the news on social media, receiving a plethora of congratulatory posts. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this amazing man. Our wedding was scheduled to take place the following March. No one predicted that the Covid-19 pandemic would interrupt daily life for millions of people. Unfortunately, as much as Dale and I loved each other, we made the difficult decision to call off our engagement. The reason? My roommate at the time was being too involved in my relationship and lacked personal boundaries. Dale returned to Wisconsin feeling sad and I broke down in tears. In March 2020, my roommate moved back to Michigan to accept a new job offer due to the deaths of several of his relatives while I started looking for a new place, which I ended up doing and also moved to a new town to be closer to my job. To add insult and a dagger to my heart, I learned that my now ex-roommate dated and later married my ex-fiancé behind my back, despite me telling him not to because I was still heartbroken. I couldn't believe that the same roommate who kindly took me in after being homeless for months would do this to me. He took advantage of my pain from a difficult breakup and did the unthinkable. I made a vow not to talk to him ever again and to this day, I still haven't talked to him. You don't date or marry someone else's ex, because nine times out of ten, it never goes well. I still blame him for trying to be too involved and intrusive in my loving relationship with the man that I previously wanted to be my husband. Dale and I remain friends, and he does message me every once in a while, to see how I'm doing.

The two relationships I just told everyone made me come up with these two conclusions: I didn't try hard enough to make those relationships work and as for the second story, I should've stood up to my roommate and stated my boundaries. It took me a year and half to get over my painful breakup with Dale. I was open to talk about it with anyone who asked.

Now that I've gotten all of that out the way, here are the reasons why I absolutely despise Valentine's Day with a passion.

It's too commercialized: It's disgusting and deceptive that these companies pressure people to buy their significant other gifts, especially expensive jewelry. If you have the money to purchase those things for your partner or spouse, by all means, be my guest. I'm more disgusted at ads using these marketing ploys to pressure people to buying stuff that they may or may not afford to get for their significant others. I believe that showing your one and only love is the best gift you can give them.

It reminds me of my failed relationships: I've been single for a little over five years. Whenever I see couples being lovey dovey in public or on social media, it almost feels like it's a personal attack towards me or to make me feel insecure. Even though they're not intentionally trying to hurt my feelings, it's still makes me look like I was a bad person or didn't deserve love. It also made me feel like a failure. The aforementioned two failed relationships always reminded me of how lonely I was.

For context, I'm in my late 30s and while I haven't found the right man yet, that hope is starting to slowly diminish. Growing up, I wasn't seen as handsome. Later on in adulthood, I was seen as ugly and undatable. I really want to find love and don't want to die alone. Sure, I'm not the most attractive or have been anyone's man crush, but it doesn't mean that I'm through with love completely. I know there is someone out there for somebody. I'm a true believer of that. I honest wished that Valentine's Day didn't exist and wasn't so commercialized, because it's a way to tear single people down and I don't like that. So those are the two reasons why I dislike this day...a lot.

I still want to find a man who loves and accepts me. I also want a man who would look past my appearance. Everyone has their own personal preferences when it comes to dating but looks are subjective. Valentine's Day will always be a regular day for me.

If you had a piece of dating advice for me, what would it be? Also, what do you personally think of Valentine's Day? Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Please like this story and follow me on my socials. Finally, please send me a one-off tip at the end of this story to support my work as I continue to write and publish more stories.