My Dear Sweet Innocence

I remember hearing this song for the first time, I was in high school and going through every typical teenage struggle. Identity, hopes, dreams, failures, pressures, a mental health in tatters.

This song blanketed me with understanding; especially since it was in my mother tongue.

The Hebrew song, "Tmimuti" by Harel Skaat, meaning "My Innocence", is a song that comforted me and held space for how I felt. It reminded me of the innocence I tried to keep carrying, and how it was somehow okay to be losing it; bit by bit. Change will always come, even if we're not ready for it.

It talks about returning to an empty home after a show, feeling the vibrations and the energy. The house is filled with smiling childhood photos, on a no longer blank wall. There's silence, and it brings him a time of reflection. Maybe with the reflection, innocence will return. It continues to talk about how now he is mourning his innocence, and how he hides himself and imagines that he's someone else.

How there's so many people around him, but he feels so utterly alone.

But maybe, his innocence will return to him, even if there's the smallest chance. If there's even a single drop of hope.

. . .

This song both broke my heart and melt it back together countless times.

As I listened to more of Harel Skaat's songs, I found myself in his lyrics of rage, desire to be free, and heartache. I'd cry out along with him at empty bus stops as he sang in my ears. His instrumental accompaniment, accompanied our sorrows and aches.

When I found out that he was also gay, the song hit me 20 times harder. As I dug deeper into interviews and lyrics, I saw how much he had to hide of himself and how little information there was out there. This was around mid 2009 that the song had come out. I was just coming to terms with my overwhelming emotions, so I hadn't come out till a two years later. Though he officially came out in 2010, my sense was that his home country still kept the statement on the down-low.

Though many of his songs are relatable, moving, and utterly beautiful, this one particular song always stuck. I'd return to it in times of sadness and loneliness, a reminder that I wasn't alone in how I felt.

. . .

As much as I had joked about not getting another tattoo after my first one was done a month after my 18th birthday; a second (third, fourth, and fifth), came half a year later. "תמימותי", which is 'My Innocence' written in Hebrew letters, was the second tattoo that I got. Placed on the left side of my ribcage, it holds me with an inked embrace in times of need.

The complex-yet-simple word reminds me of how I longed for simpler childlike times, but then I grew up.

It reminds me of how I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by people. But it also reminds me of how hiding myself and who I am won't get me anywhere. It reminds me of how I can reminisce about me once being the carefree child, but still be who I really am now and live a good life.

. . .

As I wrote this story, I took a break to google a bit about Skaat as I haven't in a while. I saw that he has a child! When I saw that he married Idan Roll this past year, I couldn't stop smiling. I'm so happy he got to be who he really is. And I'm so grateful that I get to be who I really am too; proudly.

Representation matters.