Me And My Bisexuality

I’m bisexual.

It was a shock learning this about myself, as most figure out their sexuality by high school or college at the latest. And sometimes earlier.

But not me.

Finding Out

About a year ago, I was hanging out on the beach to watch the Northern Lights with my best friend, her boyfriend, and a few of her friends, including her friend, Nikki.

Her boyfriend was there, and I was in my second relationship, but she was a little flirty the entire time. And after a few drinks, we were back at the cars, and she fed me a few of those peanut butter-filled pretzel bites.

And all of a sudden, I wanted to kiss her. Which shocked the hell out of me. And I pondered it as I rode back home, sobered up from the walk back to the car.

My August Trip 2024

During my August trip to Washington last year, we went bar hopping, and I wanted to make out with her again. Not to mention each time she would rub her butt agaisnt me, it got me aroused.

Now I know how men feel when women grind on men.

Reflecting Upon it

Looking back on it, I can’t say it’s shocking.

There were certain cues, such as my over-appreciation of the female look. Not in a weird way, but probably more so than the average straight girl.

I also wanted to test out having three ways in my last relationship with another girl, since it was open. And it almost happened, but sadly, it never came to fruition, and then I became single again.

But even without remembering specific moments, I suppose there are hints.

Why My Denial

The main reason I hadn’t thought I liked girls was because I was in Girl Scouts for over ten years and developed no crushes on any girls. So, I thought I was straight.

I was also taught it was okay to find the same sex attractive without being attracted, which, while good intentioned, I think messed with me identifying that part of myself.

Saying it Out Loud

It feels so weird each time I tell someone I’m bi; my mouth curves into an odd smile, and I get strange feelings in my chest and stomach.

This feeling isn’t unfamiliar. It happens whenever I learn an aspect about myself that I never imagined could be me.

My “Coming Out”

I will say, no one I told was surprised.

My Best Friend

My best friend was like, “Yeah, girl, I know. Look at your coat,” gesturing to my galaxy print zip-up hoodie I was wearing.

Then, when I told my best friend that her friend was my bi awakening, she said, “I’ll let her know,” which made me blush a bit.

We chuckled about it as we sipped our coffee drinks and talked about everything else that had happened to us.

My Roommates

As for my roommates, they were not surprised, either, but supportive. It helps that my one roommate is also bisexual, so he gets it.

My Parents

I have not told them, but they’re open-minded regarding things like this, so I can’t imagine them being upset about it. And the only reason I haven’t said anything to them is that I just don’t know how to “come out” to them.

So, I guess they’ll find out if they read this.

***

The overall reaction has been subdued, and that doesn’t bother me. I don’t like people making a big deal over certain milestones in my life; it creates the strangest emotions in my chest, and I want to hide.

I am grateful they’re accepting of it, though. I recognize how many others don’t get that. So I will not take it for granted.

Why it’s Freeing

It’s always freeing when you discover a new piece of yourself, but here are some more specific reasons:

I No Longer Have to Deny Anything About My Sexuality

While I don’t think it was conscious, I spent so much time defending my hairstyle, hair color, and clothing choices that I never took the time to ponder my reasons for doing those things.

Not saying my sexual preference is the primary reason for those things, but it probably influenced my style choices.

I Can Explore it

It’s like a brand-new door I never even noticed until walking through it. And now I have a new house to explore.

Now I need to find people to explore it with.

I Like the Color of My Flag

I’m laughing as I write this one, but the bi flag is so pretty. I want to get one and put it on my bedroom wall.

Why it’s Scary

With all the good that comes from this discovery, there’s always the flipside:

Not Being Fully Accepted into the Pride Community

I’ve heard stories about certain people in the Pride community (that’s what I call it) not liking bi people because we don’t “choose a side” until we find our person, among other things, especially gay women with bi women.

Which isn’t reassuring.

However, I know not everyone is that way, so I’ll have to find my people within the Pride community.

Not Being Accepted by Everyone Else

While San Antonio is chill about many things, I can’t say the same about everywhere else in Texas, or the larger South.

So that’s a bridge I’ll have to cross when I get there.

Not Being Able to Explore My Sexuality

I did not realize how picky women are when it comes to dating until now. I’m a woman, which I had thought would make things easier. But barely any women have hit me up.

It gives me a lot more sympathy for guys. But I’d like to go on a date with a woman at least once!

I’m Not Backing Down

Why should I?

This is a part of who I am. It’s a part worth delving deeper into. And I’ve worked too hard to accept and integrate all the different aspects of my identity to quit now.

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