I'm Coming Out

TW: use of the word p*do, r*pist and mentions of deadnaming

As it's Pride month, my mind has been wandering to my own self identity. A complex one to live, let alone explain. The best summary I find myself capable of is: I am a panromantic, genderfluid, polyamorous person. Seems nice and simple, right? Except panromantic leads into questions about how I experience romance without the urge to sleep with someone on sight. How could I possibly enjoy being polyamorous, because that just means sleeping around, right? And how can I be genderfluid, when gender's what's in my pants.

Obviously, those assumptions are wrong - but that doesn't stop their words being any more damaging to me. Even as an adult, who believes their self identity is well founded on years of exploration, and trauma, and regrets, it still just takes one person to question me, to send it all tumbling down like poorly stacked Jenga. More to the point, it clearly highlights how even in 2023, someone's identity being anything other than 'straight' has to be sexual. Has to be founded in the concept of being attractive. How damaging is that to younger queer people, that the reason people struggle with them having any identity other than straight before the age of 18, is because queer identities are equated to being founded in sex?

No wonder some of the first insults to gay people was that we were paedophiles.

No wonder people want to ban drag in Tennessee.

People are still so founded in some of the old, homophobic, transphobic beliefs that they believe queer people are a threat to children.

The queer community taught me that I have a right to exist in a space, dressed how I want, with who I want, without fear of retribution as long as I respected others within that space. It brings me great anxiety the way we are still treated today. Used as the political sleight of hand to distract from the real issues on the table. Education, poverty, food prices being driven up the wall. It stuns me as a younger person to watch my elders agree, and vote for these hateful beliefs. It baffles me that they can't see what politics is doing to cover up their lack of ability to do their actual jobs. I can't believe people still wish to be ignorant instead of educated. I am not the person to turn the economy around, nor would I have any idea where to start. But it sure isn't by insulting some of the oldest queer groups in the community.

Progress is never made by ostracising any group.

I really hate to think about where we are today and how elder LGBT+ members see it as progress. I hate to think we were once in a worse place than this, and it angers me to be told to be grateful that I'm no longer getting murdered in the street for kissing my girlfriend, that I can tell my friends I have two partners and I get to keep them. I can dress how I want at work, I can change my name legally and despite all of that, people can refuse to acknowledge it.

My deadname remains on my payslip.

My birth certificate doesn't count as ID because anyone, anywhere in the world has access to it.

My driver's license costs £20 to replace with my new name.

A new passport costs me £83.60 and I have to have someone verify my name, I have to have 3 pieces of paper from a bank, work, or landlord to verify that I'm using that name. What if I couldn't work? What if I was disabled? Or had a bad landlord? Or the bank chose not to recognise my deed poll. They don't have to.

My Mum still calls me by the name my rapist called me, even though I ask her not to. Even though every single one of my friends can manage it. I use they/them pronouns at work because sometimes my body doesn't feel like mine anymore and that helps me reclaim it. But I live in a she/her looking body, no matter how short I cut my hair.

Even in this 'progressive' world. I'm deadnamed by my parents, screwed if I ever end up in hospital and can't work and my pronouns are dead/soon if I make out with my partners in front of the wrong person.