I Found Peace in the Violence

I wish that I could sit down with my younger self and take all of her self-hatred and loathing and explain to her the truth that would bloom out of her life. It took me so long to figure out who I am and grow into who I am today. I still have so much growth to do. When I was younger church was a huge part of my life. My friends were there, my family was there. I grew up in one church for most of my life.

Now, let's be real. I did grow up in a gun toting, hating lifestyle church. I loved my home church and still do, the people I know from there hold the dearest place in my heart. For a long time, I even wanted to be a missionary or teach others about God. I read my Bible, I heard in church how love was meant to be between a man and a woman and growing up in small town USA, I truly believed that to be the case.

The self-hatred and the self-loathing honestly mostly came from myself. I would find hatred in any woman around me who showed skin or was confident in her body because I despised my own attraction to certain people. I forced myself into relationship after relationship with Cis Males because that is what I believed I needed. I still love men, don't get me wrong but I am pansexual, and I was forcing myself into boxed limitations because I had so much hatred of who I was.

I hated no one else, I had friends who were gay, lesbian and one of the most amazing humans I have ever met came out as trans when we were in high school. The only person I hated was myself. Even coming out was a process for me, my family has partially known I was at least attracted to girls for a few years now. Explaining what pansexual means takes a bit of time with them.

My family is great and filled with so much love, but they are very traditional. They may support me loving another woman, even dating one if it made me happy but I know that the arguments would begin with marriage. I do not know if I will marry a man or a woman, or honestly if I will get married at all. Right now, I am working on who I am and staying single while I learn to love myself again and find out that I am worthy being exactly who I am.

If people ask, I will tell them that I am pan but living authentically is more of a challenge for me. I am slowly learning to trust myself and love myself again being exactly who I am. Wearing a pan pride pin to a family holiday may seem so small but to me it's terrifying and I am working hard to love all parts of myself as I love and support others.

I wish I could talk to the younger version of myself and tell her that spiritual connection and the faith that you will grow to find will love absolutely every aspect of yourself. Your faith and your sexuality do not have to be at war with one another. You do not have to find anger with others because of your own hatred of yourself. It is time to love yourself, to find yourself worthy of love that you can give yourself.

This will be a journey and part of that journey will be alone with just you and your amazing son. Being alone is ok. Learn to love.