I am not broken and I am NOT alone….

It has been difficult for me who I am and who I was in years, especially that I’m still living in the conservative area- very challenging.

I have been trouble to see myself between my own identity, sexual orientation, and spectrum.

Yes, Im a cis-female who was born on Spring 1988 in West Virginia.

Since I was born, I get compliments about I should talk to many guys like how gorgeous baby girl I was. Once I became a neurodivergent(autistic/a special Ed kid), it didn’t go well.

In decades, even my school life, I wasn’t pretty enough, not feminine enough by many guys and boys, even when dating fall short and the creeps were being “friendly” or “flirt” on me.

It feels like I cannot be loved for being broken, flawed, ugly, and weird (?).

‘I get harassed! Catfished! Bullied! Shamed! Picked!

I felt crushed, disheartened, and disgusted!

‘what’s wrong with me?!

So years by….I’ve been hidden myself— I really don’t see myself as straight at all. I pretend to be straight because of the shame and stigma while growing up in between Christian and Catholic religions in conservative states. Same thing when I got exposed by some peers when I watched ‘something gay’..

Personally, most of my life, I don't ever see myself as a lover/partner sexually, emotionally, & physically because of my personality, flaws, and image. I truly adore all genders emotionally. I also like some romantic stuff from shows, books, films, and series.

However, in reality, I don't feel attracted very much, especially when I feel less romantically or not interested in dating at all. I get so many mixed feelings like I felt pressured and I shouldn't make too many assumptions. Also, I‘d never have been attracted by anyone at all. It sounds discouraging.

I'm aromantic pansexual-asexual. I know it sounds complicated misunderstood for everyone. I thought I was…

Even during 2020s, I tried my best to be open during National Coming out day and even the Pride Month.

The truth is—-I am more Asexual than Pansexual… Yes, it was confusing. I’ve been quiet and afraid the whole time. I fear that everyone will judge me or anything.

I read these four books about Asexual, how relatable it is, and it means a lot to me(Content Warning- each book contains profanity and sexual content)-

* The first one I began to read ‘Loveless” by Alice Oseman. It's a fiction novel about the main character named Georgia who tried to discovered about herself for many reasons, including about herself as Aromantic/Asexual. She also can’t have a crush on anyone or ever been in love. Georgia learned that it's ok if we don't have any romantic or sexual feelings and attraction for anyone. I thought about maybe that’s okay and I shouldn’t be pressured about it.

I have some bit of experiences that I have a hard time about who I should be with. I also felt related that I don’t ever have great experiences with positive attractions while I’ve had been treated like less human during my school life because of my disabilities. While I read it, it was frustrating and difficult. I can understand how relationships, including her platonic friendships, can be so complicated. I understand how attractions and connections can be overwhelmed and messy between herself, her Lesbian friend, her pansexual roommate, her past crush, and her Homoromantic Asexual friend. Its a nice book and I like it. I’ll have to re-read it again in the future.

* The second one is called “How To Be Ace” by Rebecca Burgess. This is a memoir graphic novel about the author, also an illustrator to share their experiences as Asexual during their lifetime. I have some similar issues as theirs about being a nerd, mental health struggles, difficult with relationships, how hard to understand what love is, and Yes, growing up is the worst! Loneliness is much harder!

Some of my favorite moments from ‘How to Be Ace’, it’s when they showed what asexuality is; also, there a page with some random people who shared their experiences as asexual, showed up about everyone is different, and tell the Audience that it’s okay whether they’re married, not dating,etc. They also shared the info what is aexual and aromantic is(same thing when I read on Loveless), between the sexual attraction and romantic attraction. I recommend of their memoir book and their journey what it’s like growing up as an Ace and of course, as a neurodivergent(autistic).

* The third one is called “Gender Queer” by Maia Kobabe, an author and also a cartoonist. I think this is the number one for me! This is one of the best memoirs and graphic novels I’ve ever read. I do have some similar experiences like growing up in nature along with my family cabin in Canada, I wore gender neutral clothes since I was born(some were my brother’s baby clothes), learning disabilities, playing both my toys(also my sister‘s) along with my brother‘s toys, playing video games, watching different kinds of cartoons shows, love unique style/fashion, dealing with sexism, and music fanatic(I like David Bowie too).

Like Maia, (I know it’s weird for some people) sometimes I get those thoughts about between the fantasy like I wonder what’s it look like or I bet it’s lovely,etc. and the reality is like I don’t think it’s working out or not gonna happen at all—- truly related.

Maia did incredible job for eir journeys. I would love to write an essay about eir book in the future. I really recommend it!

* The Fourth one is called “Is Love the Answer” by Uta Isaki. I also wrote it about this fictional manga during my first book club challenge a year ago. This is very relatable Including being treated like an alien, rejection, isolation, connection with some who has in common. If you haven’t read my book club piece about ‘Is Love The answer’, feel free to read this piece and I also recommend this manga as well.

I couldn’t been more grateful with these books! It really represents me so well deep in my heart. It means a lot to me and knowing that my experience is valid, my queer identity is valid, I am NOT broken, and I am NOT alone!