He Wanted Me To Be His Secret

The first time I met Manny, he was shirtless. It was a sight to behold, but since we were at work, I tried not to stare. He smiled at me as he tried on the button up that was part of our uniforms. 

After the fitting, he came up to me and started talking to me. The conversation was effortless and at the end, we exchanged numbers. We reasoned that since we were going to be coworkers, it was prudent to be able to talk to one another whenever needed. 

At some point, we started a long-running joke about him being my straight boyfriend. 

Eventually, he was promoted to my straight husband. This is where things took a turn that should have told me that the alleged joke meant more to Manny than what I understood. 

"Watch yourself, boyfriend," I laughed after he made a crude joke on the way to our posts for the day. 

"Excuse me? I am your husband," he countered. 

It felt odd for him to say that, but at the time I brushed it off. Alleged straight guys often said things like that to me, trying to make me blush or encourage a crush to boost their egos. 

Still, something felt different about this. He'd been much more flirty and talkative with me in the preceding weeks. Of course, it could have been nothing more than what it was with the other guys, but my gut said it was something else. 

Then he admitted to me that the woman he had been dating broke up with him. But he refused to explain what happened. 

Do I already know? I wondered.

Perfect Person

As Thanksgiving approached, I was returning to Detroit for the holiday. Manny was not happy about it, he kept asking me if I was sure that I wanted to go home. He offered to let me stay with him and he would cook the holiday dinner. 

I told him that my family wanted to see me. Then I assured him that we would talk like always. And I would be back before he even knew I was gone. 

Thanksgiving night, I got back to the house I was staying at and noticed that Manny called me three times. I text him asking if everything was alright. He responded by calling me. Sigh. 

"Ed, she broke up with me," he said by way of greeting. 

"I'm sorry to hear that, are you ok?"

"Wish you were here. You're my perfect person," he said. Then added, "I just wish you were a girl, so we could be together." 

I chalked it up to him being drunk. There was no way he felt that way about me. And if he did, he had to know that I would not agree to be in a relationship where I had to hide my queer identity. 

While I was lucky enough to know my orientation early in life, I also knew that not everyone enjoyed that sort of blessing. Still, I had played the game of secret boyfriends before and did not intend to play another round. 

Something that Manny was well aware of, we'd talked about it a few times. Then it dawned on me that on a few occasions, he had asked me how I knew for sure I was gay. I'd rolled my eyes in annoyance and turned the question on him, but he never answered. 

Was Manny straight?

Rules of Relationship

When I returned to Manhattan, Manny met me at the airport. In a moment so surreal, the moment he saw me, he ran up to me. He pulled me into a kiss. When we pulled away, I could see that something changed between us. 

He helped with my suitcase and made sure I got into the car. He was very gentlemanly about everything. Even in hindsight, it was one of the sweetest things that ever happened to me. 

Once I was settled in, he got into the driver's seat. After he pulled out of his parking spot, he grabbed my hand. My heart raced as I thought about what all of this would mean. 

I even jumped ahead to wondering if we needed to tell work about our romance.

It was all for naught. He asked if I was hungry, I affirmed that I was, so he drove to a little diner near Times Square but far enough away that it wouldn't be overwhelmed by tourists. 

"I think we should be boyfriends," he said after we were seated. His eyes twinkled. 

"Aren't you straight?" 

"Bi," Manny answered. "But we would need to keep everything under wraps. My family cannot find out about us." 

"No," I shook my head. This was one of those moments where I learned that I am more courageous than I think. "I've told you, I will not be anyone's secret. Either we love out loud, or you find someone else." 

His choice was to find someone else. Coming out was not an option for him, though he never specified why. I've always believed he thought his family wouldn't accept him. 

I stayed friends with Manny for a while after this. However, he began to pull away when I was in a relationship with someone who treated me right and didn't want me to be his secret. 

Looking back, I wish things could have been different. But I am so proud that I refused to be someone's queer little secret.