An (Aro)Ace in the Hole

Sex and romance have always been touchy subjects for me. That is not to say I'm the type to run screaming from the room when a kissing scene appears on TV or to gag at a picture of genitals in health class. While I've never minded approaching either subject from an intellectual standpoint, I can't relate from an emotional standpoint, and the thought of actively participating in either makes me uncomfortable. I view sex and romance the way some people view skydiving, fun in theory but not in practice.

For a while, that view was fine. As a child, it was expected that I'd think both were gross. As a preteen growing up in the Bible Belt where abstinence is pushed, it was seen as me being a good girl. Somewhere along the way, expectations change. When I started high school, I noticed my friends developing romantic and/or sexual relationships, and I was expected to do the same. The problem was I wanted nothing to do with either!

I tried dating, not because I wanted a relationship; I just wanted to fit in. I thought romantic and sexual attraction were a “fake it til you make it” deal. If I stayed with my partner enough, eventually I’d feel what I was supposed to, but I never did. Now I’m not one of those religious fanatics who believe in purity culture, but I do see sex and romance as something to be taken seriously. One should be mature enough to know the risks before participating, and if they choose to do so, it should mean something. For me, it never did because the attraction wasn’t there. Acting with no attraction behind the gestures feels dishonest to me, so I refuse to take part.

All of my attempts at relationships ended the same way. We broke up because my partner wanted to take things further, and I felt uncomfortable with it. Eventually I got so tired of having my boundaries disrespected, I stopped trying for a relationship. This made for quite a lonely existence as my friends gradually found relationships and left me behind in favor of their partners. I was relegated to the backup friend role, only included when someone happened to be between romantic and/or sexual partners.

It was like people’s opinion of me changed overnight! My lack of sexual and romantic attraction was no longer seen as something good or smart. It was the subject of barely veiled condescension (“You’re a late bloomer”; “You haven’t met the right man”; “I can set you up with my [insert male relative]” “Have you tried [blank]?”) or outright mockery (“weird”; “broken”; “mentally ill”; “prude”). For many years, I believed it, and I hated myself for it. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just get over my discomfort and make myself feel romantic and sexual attraction like everyone else?

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It took me much longer than it should've to realize that the reason I couldn't meet society's heteronormative milestones was that I wasn't heterosexual. Since I was never attracted to men, I thought I must be a lesbian. Then I realized that gender had no bearing on my attraction to anyone, so I was more likely bi or pan. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-20s that I heard the word asexual for the first time.

Suddenly everything clicked. All the years of wondering why I couldn’t feel the kind of attraction society said I’m supposed to feel made sense. I wasn’t waiting for the right person. I wasn’t a late bloomer. I wasn’t weird or broken. I was asexual, a sex-averse aromantic asexual, to be exact.

That discovery prompted me to learn more about asexuality and aromanticism and search for representation. I was soon disappointed by the lack of representation in mainstream media. It seemed like every time I encountered a character who came across as asexual or aromantic, one of two things would happen. Either they would never be explicitly confirmed as asexual/aromantic by the creators, or they would be put into a romantic/sexual relationship that made no sense to satisfy an allonormative, amatonormative fanbase.

Aromantic representation was non-existent, and explicit asexual representation fell into three types: the comedic ace, the usually sex-averse type whose sexuality is only referenced as a joke; the romantic ace, the confident, outgoing types who want relationships; or the nerdy ace, the shy, prudish, sex-averse type. While I was grateful for any bit of representation, there were no characters who resonated with me personally.

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I had given up hope of ever finding an aromantic and/or asexual character I could relate to until a random social media post changed everything. I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook earlier this year when I saw a meme from one of the many aro/ace support groups I’d joined. It was a funny-looking red guy with deer ears and a huge smile, Alastor from Hazbin Hotel.

My first thought was, ‘Oh, here we go again! If he's anything like the other asexual characters out there, one of three things will happen. He'll exist solely to be the butt of a joke; he'll be shoehorned into a relationship to satisfy the “asexuals can have sex” argument, or he'll be another nerdy ace stereotype.’

While I thought the character had a cool name and a fun design, I didn’t expect to like Alastor or Hazbin Hotel. I resisted watching for as long as I could, but Alastor was everywhere! It got to the point that I couldn’t carry on a conversation with the people in my groups without knowing the show, so I watched out of curiosity and was blown away by what I saw. I went into Hazbin Hotel expecting another caricature of asexuality. Instead I saw a refreshing change in Alastor, a confident, charismatic figure who debunks the negative asexual (and possibly aromantic) stereotypes as decisively as he dispatches his rivals.

Not only is he not portrayed as weak and/or prudish for his asexuality, he’s one of the most powerful characters in the entire show! He’s intelligent enough to manipulate the princess of Hell herself without straying into nerd stereotype territory. Although has no interest in sex or romance, he isn’t presented as emotionless or incapable of forming other types of attachment. He has friendships with characters such as Mimzy, Rosie, and Niffty, and if the information in the Youtube pilot is still considered canon, he had a loving relationship with his mother. For the first time ever, I saw an asexual character in mainstream media that truly represented me!

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While Hazbin Hotel fans will eat each other alive (pun 100% intended) arguing over where Alastor falls on the asexuality spectrum and whether or not he’s also aromantic, I get the idea that he’s a sex-averse aroace like me. Let’s look at the evidence. Alastor never flinches when sex is mentioned in passing, yet the moment Angel Dust propositions him, he becomes visibly uncomfortable. This suggests Alastor is at least sex-indifferent, if not sex-averse.

Aromantic is defined by Webster’s dictionary as, “having little or no romantic feeling toward others : experiencing little or no romantic desire or attraction.” So far, Alastor has never shown anything remotely resembling romantic interest. If he does experience romantic attraction, HE would likely not express it in a way that aligns with societal norms, as he is shown to dislike sentimentality and touch which he doesn’t initiate. Both of which are practically a requirement for romantic relationships. On the subject of Alastor’s romantic orientation, creator Vivienne Medrano has said,

“He’s not, like, in love with himself, but he loves himself a lot and I don’t think anyone else can measure up to that. I don’t know if anyone else, like, would ever be, like, someone he would deem on his level, I think that’s the biggest thing, is that he doesn’t really see many people as on his level.”

- Vivienne Medrano, creator of Hazbin Hotel

Bearing all of the above in mind, I find it hard to believe that Alastor wouldn’t fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. That is how I’ll see him unless definitive proof otherwise comes to light, and if that view proves correct, Ms. Medrano has created something truly groundbreaking with Alastor: an asexual/aromantic character with a dominant personality.

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Alastor is so far the only character to make me feel seen and validated as a sex-averse aroace. A 1930s New Orleans radio host in life, he’s very much a product of his time. He has no idea what asexuality and/or romanticism are and thinks he hasn’t found the right person yet, like I believed for so long. Another similarity that I didn’t notice until my fourth or fifth rewatch is that he somewhat shares my backup friend status. As one of the overlords of Hell, he makes deals for souls in exchange for favors. With the exception of a couple of characters, people only seek out Alastor’s company when they want something and have nowhere else to turn.

That’s not where the similarities stop. Alastor, like most radio hosts of his era, speaks with a Trans-Atlantic accent, and like him, I learned to disguise my accent in order to be taken seriously. We’re both Southerners with old-fashioned mannerisms, and if his original backstory still stands, we’re both only children. Alastor was a mama’s boy, and I was the gender-swapped version of that (a daddy’s girl). Alastor hides his negative emotions behind his smile, and I do the same thing with a mask of stoicism.

For all the similarities, the thing that struck me most about Alastor is the way he commands respect. He doesn’t take disrespect lightly and won’t hesitate to put others in their place when they cross a line. Seeing the way Alastor stands up for himself reaffirmed that I’d made the right choice to stop allowing people to cross my boundaries to fit in, and it inspires me to be more assertive going forward. Thanks to Alastor, I feel more confident in myself, and now I can use that confidence to stand up for myself and other aroaces like me, in hopes that they never have to experience the self-loathing I did.