All About Ella

I know I’m aesthetically pleasing, I see it when I look in the mirror every goddamn day. Yet men always feel the need to tell me that I’m beautiful as if it’s news to me, as if they’re the first person to say it to me, and not the 5th dude to stop me to tell me so today when I’m just trying to go out, do groceries, and go home. I’ve been trying to make myself look more masc, more androgynous, less appealing to the male gaze, but because of my beauty it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, men will continue to stop me and expect me to swoon as they repeatedly disturb my peace.

I was told that men didn’t like blue haired women, so for 9 years now, I’ve been dying my hair blue, and it didn’t slow them down even a little. I’ve been told that men don’t like undercuts on women, so I got an undercut, and continuously, men will use my blue undercut to strike up a conversation with me about how they like my hair.

I was told that men didn’t like visible tattoos so I got one on my shoulder, and one on my wrist with more planned, and men try to use my tattoos to “neg” me about the clothes I wear to show them off, but like.. I paid money for my ink, of course I’m going to show it off. And when I say that to them, they always say some form of, “Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you” when they could have just left me alone instead.

I was told that men didn’t like nose piercings on women so I started with one, and found that once again, men would use it as a conversation starter. They liked the nose ring I picked, they liked the singular nose ring, it’s classier than having all three piercings, so if I was going to be pierced, that was the way to go. The way that grinds my gears, because tearing others down is not the way to compliment another person, stop trying to turn your attention into a competition with others, I didn’t ask for your attention in the first place. Also, I got the 2nd and 3rd nose piercings, because *note taken* Even still, I can’t escape male attention, they tell me they like how I can pull off having all 3 piercings done and are now glad that I don’t overdo it with the piercings or tattoos.

So now it’s time to get a crap load more tattoos and piercings, maybe with one that literally says “I’m gay” on my face. Not that I’m complaining about the tattoos and piercings mind you, I’m all for body modification and wholeheartedly believe that all things done to make one feel better about themselves whether it’s tattoos, piercings, vaginoplasty, hair plugs, boob jobs, face lifts, it’s all gender affirming care. Getting a little gender affirming care for myself sounds like a fine way to spend my time and money.

Oh my Goddess! Could you imagine if I got that much time and attention from women though? That would be my literal dream. Imagine walking down the road, doing a little bit of grocery shopping, and walking home, and getting stopped by 8 women telling me how beautiful I am. My gay little heart would sing, but sadly, because I am a beautiful woman, I get mostly looks of jealousy where women are concerned. Here I am, looking at a beautiful woman, hoping to attract her attention, and she gives me the stink eye as if I’m eyeing her up and down as a challenge instead of my being gay and attracted to her.

What do you think it would take to finally leave the male gaze behind and replace it with all the gay panic I could handle?