Coping With Mania: A Bipolar Stoner's Perspective

If there's anything I'm transparent about, it's the fact that I have bipolar disorder. This means that I cycle between depression and mania, and recently I was thrown head-first into the latter. So, I thought that this could be a valuable opportunity to explain how I use certain techniques- including cannabis- to cope with my manic episodes.

A Little Bit of Background

For context, I was diagnosed with severely depressed bipolar 1 with psychotic features in February of 2023. Before my diagnosis, I spent years thinking that I just had depression, and mania was my "normal" state. So, I learned over time how to help myself during depressive episodes, but I never did the same for my manic ones. After my diagnosis, though, I began to grow conscious of the ways that mania impacts me and I learned how I can best manage my symptoms.

How Mania Impacts Me

Unintelligible Thoughts

Mania makes me feel overwhelmed with possibility- so overwhelmed that, oftentimes, I cry because of how many choices I have. It isn't a pleasurable, "I can do anything" sort of feeling. Instead, imagine having ten different people shouting things at you all at once, over and over, until you can't breathe- that's how mania feels for me. I can't quite hear one complete thought; instead, I hear multiple jumbles of half-sentences. Unfortunately, each half-sentence is telling me something that I should be doing; something that, if I don't do, I'll be behind on.

Typically, my disorganized thoughts revolve around my hobbies. My head is a constant screaming match: "You should read." "No, you should paint." "No, you need to work on your blog." "Nope, you should do schoolwork." "No, go for a walk." The list goes on and on. And what happens with these types of thoughts is that nothing actually gets done; instead, I sit in a heap on the floor covering my ears and hitting myself in the head trying to make all the voices stop.

Hyper-Productivity

Aside from my unrelenting, messy thoughts, mania also causes hyper-productivity in me. This most often presents itself as rage cleaning. That is, I will start by doing the dishes like I do every morning, but then I'll notice the sink is gross. So, I'll clean the sink. But then I realize that the dishrag is dirty, so I'll bring it to the laundry basket. Then I see the basket is full, so I put it in the washer. But then I notice the washer- and actually, all the cupboards- look disgusting. So, I'll wipe them down. But then I'll notice that one of the cabinets is disorganized, so on so forth.

By the end of my rage cleaning session, I usually have deep-cleaned an entire room (if not the whole house), forgotten to eat or drink water, and wasted hours in a haze of resentment and disgust. And despite all of the tasks I accomplished during this time, I end up feeling painfully unfulfilled. Maybe it's the starvation, or the dehydration, or the time spent cleaning when I should have been doing other things- regardless, I'm left with an empty hole in my chest.

Unsafe Driving

A more severe symptom of my mania is my tendency to drive unsafely. Particularly if the sun is out, I'll turn the music up loud, roll the windows down, drive fast, and carelessly cut people off. It frightens me every time, but fear is part of adrenaline, which is something my mania loves. What's more is, I'll go on longer drives during manic highs because it grants me even more time to drive unsafely, and therefore more time to give myself those mini adrenaline rushes.

Overcommitment

The final, yet most noticeable, impact of my mania is the way that it encourages me to overcommit to things. Whether that be social outings, a house cleaning schedule, or a new project, mania makes me go all in.

For example, I am notorious for coming up with book ideas that I never end up finishing. I'll get on a manic high, have a really great idea, start planning it- characters, plot events, settings,- and may even begin to write it. But at one point or another I end up coming down and don't finish what I started.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to become an author. And as a matter of fact, I have a novel idea in the works (which yes, as aforementioned, I am currently manic). Will I end up following through? Who knows. If my manic pattern continues, probably not. But I do hold that tiny glimmer of hope.

Now, when I'm not overcommitting to becoming an author (or other personal projects), I'm overcommitting to social endeavors. Typically, I'm a "see friends once a week max" kind of gal; when I'm manic, though, I become someone who wants to make back-to-back plans. That is, I want my social calendar completely full so I can feel the release of the happy chemicals and stay on my high. Which may sound fun, but in reality it's exhausting.

How I Manage My Symptoms

The first step to solving any problem is simply being aware that one exists. And as shown above, I clearly know one does! Unfortunately, bipolar is chronic and lifelong, so I'll never be rid of my extreme highs (or lows). Despite this, though, I have slowly gained an understanding of what I need to do during manic episodes in order to bring myself back down to earth and maintain my healthy habits.

Avoiding Stimulation

The most important thing I can possibly do when I feel manic is to avoid stimulation. This means having no back-to-back plans, not driving unless I have to, even avoiding super decadent foods. These things (and more) are all culprits for the perpetuation of my manic episodes. This is because the more stimulation I have, the more indulged my mania is, thus keeping my peak from plateauing.

So, what do my low-stimulation mania days look like? Well, more often than not, they start with loads of anxiety at all the different stimuli that I want to seek. But, I remind myself that I am more than my manic anxiety, and I try to maintain a "seeking relaxation" mindset. Then, throughout the day, I'll remain busy. Not with things like cleaning, for as I said, that's actually quite triggering for me; rather, I stay busy with my hobbies other benign, low-stimuli tasks.

Going On a Walk

As briefly mentioned above, I really try to prioritize going on a walk when I'm manic. Not just going to the gym and getting on the treadmill, but throwing on a cute outfit and going for a good ol' fashioned stroll through nature. Luckily, my partner and I live near a nature preserve/public park, so it's easy for me to get outside. And seriously, I can't overstate the importance of seeing trees and touching grass during my manic states.

Firstly, being in nature allows my brain time to decompress. I have nothing I could do even if I wanted to- it's just me and the walking trails against the world. Of course, I could climb a tree or sit and journal, but in general, walking in nature allows my brain to stop coming up with what I should be doing next. Instead, I start to look around and notice the tiny things; the thorns on that flower, the vines on that tree, the ladybug resting on that blade of grass. I take great care to practice the art of noticing.

But what does stopping to smell the roses do, exactly? Well, aside from letting my brain relax, it grounds me by filling me with gratitude. When I notice the little details, I'm brought back to the present and am taken away from my hectic, "you should do this" brain. I'm able to enjoy the beauty of the things all around me. And in turn, I end up feeling viciously grateful that I have the opportunity to experience the beauty of the natural world.

More often than not, I end my walks feeling significantly more relaxed and fulfilled than when I began them. I'm able to leave the park with skin that doesn't itch and a brain that isn't screaming; rather, I end up with skin that has been kissed by the sun and a brain that's still trying to process all of the natural beauty it just witnessed.

Meal Prepping

Possibly the most important thing I do when I'm manic is try to eat regularly. Which, unfortunately, is a struggle during these phases because of my hyper-activity. This is because if I let myself run free with manically getting things done, I will forget (or refuse) to eat until I finish my never-ending list of to-dos.

To make matters worse, I may feel physically hungry, but I rarely have an appetite when I'm manic. Just yesterday, in fact, I put off eating until almost 2 p.m because I couldn't think of food without feeling like I would vomit- despite the fact that my body wanted food desperately. It's a difficult sensation to describe; mania allows my hunger signals to work, but it doesn't allow me to satiate them.

Obviously, with no appetite, it's really difficult to eat- especially if I blindly fall into hyper-productivity. This is why I need as few steps as possible between me and food: if there's too much to do for it, I'll never eat. Even if I get high I feel like I can't eat. I know it sounds impossible, but it's true; weed will help my body send me hunger cues, but it rarely makes me feel mentally prepared to eat.

Because of my food-resistant manic mindset, I have to meal prep. This is because, like I said, if there are any steps between me and eating, I will just refuse to do it. I need food to be mindless when I'm manic so I can actually stomach the process of eating it. So, meal prep grants me the ability to easily reheat things that I know will be able to consume. In turn, I'm able to eat more regularly because of the ease meal prep grants me.

Getting High

The final way that I manage my mania is by getting high. Despite the fact that it doesn't really help me eat, it does help my body and mind feel more at ease. It also helps relax my muscles so I don't feel quite so tense, and it helps quiet my brain so it's not just never-ending screaming in there.

This is to say that weed helps me feel capable of functioning at a normal level instead of working circles around everyone- which may sound like an odd thing to complain about, but the agony of mania is indescribable. Genuinely, plant medicine is my saving grace when I'm in a manic episode. By granting me the ability to be less high-strung, it also grants me the ability to feel more in the moment and less discontent by all of the things I "should" be doing instead.

Bottom Line

At the end of the day, mania sucks. It isn't just being hyper or talkative; instead, it looks like a wide range of behaviors, some of them invisible. After all, you can't see the screaming in my head, but that doesn't mean it isn't there!

Above all, though, mania is exhausting. It isn't fun to be on a constant peak. Instead, it's draining and nausea-inducing. And to make it even harder, learning coping skills is a daily uphill battle. Mania makes you feel like "this is how I should be all the time," so discerning between what's mania and what's normality is difficult in itself. And then learning what helps combat your manic symptoms, and then putting those things into a place, testing them, changing them...it truly is a never-ending war against yourself.

Ultimately, though, if you struggle with mania, remember: there is always hope. You can always learn new ways of coping and new ways of acting; you can always gain more self-awareness and learn how to treat yourself better. If what you're doing right now isn't working, there is always something different you can try.

**Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor is this article meant to be a substitute for advice from one. I am strictly speaking about what I do to help with my mania as a bipolar stoner, not giving advice for what others should do.