You Slept

You Slept

Swollen belly with life growing inside

Eight months along, carrying your child

My mother unexpectedly died

As I lay in shock crying

Unable to get up from the floor

I was completely wrecked

While

In another room

You Slept

Night after night I questioned my worth

You had shown me time and time again

That I just was not enough

I gave up, I gave in

Pacing the floors defeated

Convinced I had some horrible defect

In another room, in another’s arms

You Slept

You scowled with hatred

You spit food in my face and expected me

Not to care

You stood over me with an Evil stare

Saying you couldn’t love our son’s

Sister or brother

You knew I cherished my role as a mother

I lost the chance to be one to another

I wasn’t allowed to grieve

Right then is when I wished I’d had the courage to leave

You stomped on the last piece of my broken heart

I could no longer pretend, or try to believe

I lost all dignity that remained

I sought refuge in anything that numbed the pain

I stayed awake for years to come

Feeding my anger and fears

I silently wept

And in another room

You Slept

My depression and forced solitude was almost the death of me

The only reason I held on was my son

He didn’t deserve to drown in my dark seas

My constant aim was to try and make him as happy as he could be

My insomnia was fixed

My anxieties ran rampant

I should have left long before

But I was terrified

With him, or without

What would become of him if I walked out the door

Stronger than my own pain

Was my need to protect

So, I sat awake, Alone on the couch

And in another room

You Slept

I walked on eggshells, always trying to keep the peace

It seemed that was my purpose

But no matter how hard I tried, your demons would always surface

As he got older, he could see my pain

No matter how hard I tried to conceal, or tried to explain

He had friends over that day when I cracked a shell

I ushered them away, seeing your anger build

No one from the outside was supposed to see our rollercoaster Hell

I stood up to you, For the first time ever that Sunday

It wasn’t just me that your abuse affected

Fists clinched, I screamed my hatred

I promised you One Day I would Leave

How could you do that, how could you let others see

He left seeking peace in small tasks

I cleaned up the broken dishes and lamps

Trying not to cut myself with the glass

As I cried, realizing I could not always hide

Completely losing all self-respect

I imagined ways to kill you, it would be easy enough to do

As you sat there in your own piss

You Slept

I lived so long in a charade

I learned from you

I was such a convincing liar

He left for college, taking his hidden scars

Luggage that he still has packed tight

I tried to shield him, and for now

He was getting out of the fight

I sold everything I owned, my plan was steadfast

I would follow him

Trying to hold on to my son, and escape the past

You let me leave

The most seemingly unselfish thing you’d ever done

But you always looked out for number one

Reminding us daily, that you carried our burden

Me living happily with our son

Your life didn’t change, except

I wasn’t there to take all the blame

You always did as you pleased, that remained the same

I still stayed awake every night

I dreamed on paper

Writing poems about passion and true love

Being distant from you, my inner peace was returning

Something only I could correct

Two states away, playing the martyr

With beer on your breath

You Slept

Our son had a big game

Some of his friends and family came to watch

They stayed with us

And like always, we tried to put on a good show

After all, this time was supposed to be different

You said it would be so

When you moved in with me in Monroe

You promised you would be a good husband

There with me and our son

You paid the bills, so what could be done

Too many drinks before the game, and the team was looking bad

you left to sit and drink in the car, I was glad

It would save me some embarrassment, I thought

The kind I knew all too well, from years of trying to enjoy his games, red faced

No matter the time or place

I guess you expected me to follow, you called 42 times

We all walked out together, talking about his play and having fun

You ran up out of nowhere with that crazy look in your eyes

Suddenly, in front of everyone

You hit me in the face

Shocked, I didn’t cry

No One around us questioned why

I quickened my pace and hurried away

Everyone pretended it didn’t happen

Your family just shook their heads, poor pitiful me

That’s just how you were

I sat up that night, making excuses

I even conjured a story of my son standing up to you

Telling you not to hurt his mother

Everyone tried to sleep in the uncomfortable silence

You had finally done it,

Your constant abuse was no longer just words, you took that last step

Sitting up in your puddle of piss

You slept

The time came, Like I knew it would

He needed his space

A life apart from his mother

It worked out well for you, you had me back to demean and control

You didn’t like the self-assurance I had acquired

You constantly threatened me with cutting him off

That would cure me of my independence

You were, you reminded, still carrying our burden

Things fell right back in line, your perpetual pattern

You would give a little, you claimed you weren’t your father

Then you would take back more

Leaving my resilience shattered

I could do nothing right, I was just a whore

I stayed awake at night, watching your mother

You made her cry often, being cruel to her

In this, You and your father were the same

She cried more seeing the man you became

She saw and heard your abusive ways

But expected me to be like her, and never make a change

I wrote to ease my pain

Letting it flow from heart to pen to page

I saw my future in her, this would be me when I got her age

I was drinking it all away, crying under the moon

Wishing my life away, thinking soon

Soon

Shadows returned to my mind, where depression slowly crept

And in another room, passed out

You Slept

I had resigned myself to die in this lie of a life

Finding pieces of momentary happiness in solitude and vice

Then from across the wide web, I found an old friend

Someone I could laugh with, be me with

She made me come alive again

This wasn’t like any other physical attraction you allowed me to have before

She reminded me of who I was

I began to hate you even more

She was everything you were not, my delusion collapsed

None of the promises you made, were ever kept

I gave up completely, on everything I pretended we were

And in another room

You Slept

I had fallen in love with another

Her smile, her laughter, the thought of her kiss

I told you about her

You thought it was a chance for another tryst

But she had integrity, she valued my heart as a prize

She didn’t just want my body

She wanted everything I had to give, from deep inside

She wanted me for herself, not just a toy she could share

For her, I was everything, I was finally enough

She would handle my heart with care

I gave my heart and mind to someone else with whom I would never feel neglect

While In another room, I didn’t care that

You Slept

Millions of chances I gave you

You always demanded that drunkard was not really you

You promised time and time again that you would change

Promises that never proved true

You always laughed when I cried, you never let me speak my mind

I didn’t have even an ounce of love for you left

Only hate and distain

She asked me to look at my life

Could I be happy with her

Or could I go on as I was if I remained

My thoughts never had your audience over the twenty-two years I was there

Never again would you be able to hurt me. Or prove how little you cared

You did not deserve a Goodbye

My silence would speak like I never could

In the early morning hours, my promise I kept

I walked out the door

Never looking back

I left you forever

While

You Slept