Yes you are right

I hate men — because I love them so much

I cannot function without them,

Be a Woman.

I need their LOVE,

Their gentle support —

And that passionate romantic sex

That makes time stop.

Guess what —

I’ve never been truly given

Any of the above, to the full extent,

And half-ass effort won’t do. Cheap. Yuck.

So I am dysfunctional, you’re right about it.

And yes, I’m bossy too — you nailed it.

How can I not be

If I’m dealing with a Terrible Two

In a grown man’s body

Who can’t contain himself,

Keep his commitments

And just throws temper tantrums

In response to my ‘I-statements’?

“I don’t like the way you call me names.”

“I demand that you stop raising your voice.”

“I need you to cut firewood.”

“I am tired, please don’t make more mess.”

What I hear in return is called

“Emotionally vomiting into someone’s lap.”

For a baby it’s forgivable,

For an adult it’s not.

“You’re a Satan!” he wails. “Snotty! Snide!

You just find fault with me, nasty bitch!

I’m disgusted with you!

You’re lost in life

Just like you’re directionless

When driving!”

And the cherry on top:

“You’re just like your mother.”

O_O.

This is the worst insult

Someone, anyone can throw in my face.

The big No-No, the deal-breaker.

And the relationship is broken.

I don’t know why people look at me

And think I’m a pushover.

What is it? My feminine looks?

Alas, for decoration only.

I must be a weird musical instrument

No guy so far has been able to play.

Or maybe I happened to pick

Only the tone-deaf?

We were in town.

I had just replaced the car battery

He had ruined the night before

While running his laptop from it,

While I was doing everything

Around the household,

While he was doing nothing.

He demanded the brand new battery

I had bought to power my Mac,

Simply because it’s there.

When I refused, he said:

“Fine, we’re not going.”

I was already dressed,

In full makeup, with glue-on eyelashes

To, well, make up for crying non-stop

For days.

He knows how much it throws me off balance

When he upsets our plans

With his lazy-ass last minute cancellations

For no reason I can grasp.

“It’s because you’re compulsive, inflexible, stubborn,” he says.

Boy, I’m learning about gaslighting.

So I grabbed my Lucky Battery —

The one I saved as special

Because its manufacture date

Is same as the Birthday of someone

Who inspires me.

Magic in numbers.

Officially worn out,

This battery runs on love

And it saved me this time,

Like it’s been doing all year before.

And we did go to town

To get essentials.

I drove, he was passed out,

Probably drugged as it has been

All the time since mid-2019.

I did the laundry,

Which he didn’t help me carry.

I asked him to put his seatbelt on

Before going to the next place.

That woke him up,

And I was insulted like hell,

But thankfully I kept my cool.

A stop at Walmart…

He is afraid of Covid,

So he bravely stays in car,

Keeping himself safe.

I do all the shopping.

So I stepped out with my phone

And took action.

I texted our landlord and good friend

That my marriage is coming to its end

And I need help with options —

Place to live, etc,

If he has any idea.

Then I texted a friend and asked her about

Some temporary safe place

She had offered —

For how long, etc.

…My husband finds me inside the store

And says he had found his EBT card

So I can get all the food I want.

Interesting, I note,

He said he had lost it before

So I had spent

My whole stimulus check

On food and gas for us.

But perhaps he can sense

It’s time to bail out of impeding divorce

And use his wild card (pun intended).

I put some more items into the cart,

Keeping in mind we don’t have storage space,

And I keep observing his behavior.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“How REALLY sorry are you?” I ask.

“I was thinking of leaving you.”

And then… the usual circus begins.

My apologies to clowns

But I don’t know what else to call it.

He says I see and hear

The opposite of all he means,

He is innocent,

I am the one who fights,

And he is just trying to avoid the argument

But I don’t get it……..

Oh I do get it —

Bullshit in full glory.

It’s funny he acts

Just like my mother —

Abusive monster

Who’d go on shopping splurge

After dehumanizing me

With her screaming temper tantrums,

Name-calling, threats, controlling.

Then she’d buy me something nice

And say I’m wrong in the head

Because I don’t appreciate

How much she cares.

Jeeeeeeezus… look down, would you?

I married my goddamn fucking stupid mother.

What’s the hybrid of horrendous and hilarious?

Hilarendous? Horrarious?

Back home, the car stops

Half-way up on icy hill:

No money for snow tires.

Emergency break on,

So we don’t slide backwards.

I go get the sled while he sits in car,

“Organizing.”

I pat him on the shoulder: “Good job! You’re the man!”

Can’t help it.

I load up the sled, then unpack

As much as I can

After hiking back and forth a few times.

I make the fire, light the candles,

Disinfect what I can,

Take off my makeup

And false eyelashes —

The only reminder of my true identity.

A Woman. Diva. Siren.

He finally shows up with more stuff

Does the dishes as I fall asleep

Around 4 a.m., exhausted —

And hugs me in bed

Like a loving partner,

As if no strife took place.

But I wake up early, simmering with anger.

Same anger he’s been accusing me of, continuously,

Just to provoke it.

Well, Honey, you’ve succeeded.

Now enjoy the consequences.

I am calm for now

But my whole being stands tall

In front of you

And says loud and clear:

“Yes you are right —

I am bossy.

Now shut the fuck up,

And get out of my way.”

I hate men — because I love them so much

I cannot function without them,

Be a Woman.

I need their LOVE…

December 29, 2020.

N.B.