Yellow is Not the Preferred Hue

What can I do? What can I do?

Again, across countries I flew

Like a dove in the sky, white against blue –

I flew from Hong Kong to Britain

But could not escape you –

*****

This time it was me.

I told my father it was too hard

But he already knew –

And so he brought out pamphlets

And told me to choose:

*****

Choose, choose, choose your escape

From your shackles in HK,

Choose which boarding school I should pay for

It all depends on you –

*****

And so I fled. I flew, I flew –

Even though the past five years

Cantonese was all I knew, off I trotted

To an English-speaking world,

*****

And my world around me spun,

And changed my worldview –

This is nouveau, this new view

Because people do not care what you do –

*****

Because here you can grow your hair,

And openly smoke, wear anything you like –

No one will give a hoot or two.

You can really be you –

*****

Oh! This is what freedom is, who knew –

But you did, didn’t you, with your Faustian deal

You unhooked your line, now you reel and reel

And reeled me in, I’m captured by you —

*****

Because you gave me freedom, but took

Something else in lieu –

You took my edge, my will to do,

My spirit to be better, you took and took

*****

And you slew it, you cut it in half, in two.

I have forgotten something I once knew –

That knowledge that I can succeed,

That motivation I had

*****

In Hong Kong that grew and grew

But here plateaued, before dwindling to nothing –

At first I didn’t have a clue.

I thought the sailing now ought to be smooth –

*****

Smooth, smooth, smooth, no more hurdles

But freedom costs, and now I’m lost

In this sea of deadbeat teens,

In this sea of who gives a damn,

*****

Man! I could use a smoke or two.

The more I learn of oppression,

The way the system was born to hate

On the marginalised few –

*****

Because knowledge is power is despair,

Mind you.

So much I didn’t realize

So much Hong Kong just didn’t teach

*****

Now reaches into my soul,

Swallows it whole, and stole my

Ignorant innocence too.

Now you’re back –

*****

Now that I know more,

More than ever before

My depression came back,

I no longer have a goal –

*****

Because it seems Hollywood

Doesn’t welcome me,

Tell me if this isn’t true.

Because the yellow of my skin

*****

Is not the preferred hue –

Because two mono-lid shapes

Rest on my face, protecting

Eyes that aren’t baby-blue –

I must’ve caught Kung Flu –

*****

‘Scuse me, was that taboo?

Ha! You are free to do anything you want

But they make the final cut,

It’s up to them to choose

*****

And they don’t choose you,

You lose! You lose! You lose!

My eyes are open now,

Enter racist joke here –

*****

And this is when I realized

You never left; in the shadows

You hid, and when this false freedom

Lost its novelty

You appeared, as if on cue

*****

To remind me I’m still shackled,

Rattle all you want!

We wanna hear some screaming too!

As if we care –

*****

And I fear I’ve burdened my dad

All those thousands he withdrew –

Hoping I might be happy here,

Hoping my dreams might come true

*****

But the curious concoction

Of these care-free people with

My realization of privilege too

Has made me

Quietly

Hopeless again,

Through and through.

*****

What can I do? What can I do?