Would It Have Made A Difference?

It took a lot of reflection for me to understand that it isn’t you, but the loss of love, that I miss, long for and crave

I cover the wounds you left, but the scars are burned deep into my skin, like a brand on my body, imbedded as a reminder of my loneliness, my survival

Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional emptiness that followed

The lonely nights, dinners alone and the endless deafening silence

Trapped with my thoughts and consumed by my flaws. Left to wrestle with those words I never said, taunting me. Reminding me of my failures

I wonder now, would they have made a difference, had I said them out loud

Would it have helped for you to know that the way you spoke to me, made me feel small, worthless and broken and that needing to persuade you to love ME, was something I couldn’t ask

Would it have helped to know that I miss the love and friendship we shared, when we first fell in love?

But now, I wonder if those people ever existed

That fighting and begging for you to see and love the parts of me that were fragile and vulnerable was never something I could ask anyone to do.

That I even struggle to love myself.

I weighed the options, envisioned the outcome and chose to leave. Looking back now, realizing I chose peace, I chose myself, I would do it all again

Because none of those words matter anymore

And whether I’m alone forever or one day I find myself completely drenched in love

I am better because of it