Whitewash

I'd spent my whole life with a

goddamn palette knife.

I'd scrape up my skin as I

built up every layer.

It wasn't all my fault, though.

I did as I was told.

And I was told to keep quiet-

my first taste of sticky plaster.

Be polite-

another fine coat over my mouth.

Smile-

through cracked cheeks and raw, bleached lips.

Make peace but not waves,

even if the waves of white upon your lips

drown you-

And they almost did.

Cover up-

A slick layer of white paint across my

closed thighs and soft breasts.

Stay worthy, make the right choice-

So with gritted teeth I covered myself

in other people's shame and white out.

Remember who you are-

How could I?

Trust, they told me.

Have faith, they said-

As I dipped my fingertips into that cold,

wet paint and smeared more upon my eyes.

I turned my head and poured

until it began spilling out my ears.

Yet still I continued because I was told that

having my ears filled to the brim with plaster

was a far better fate than

having them filled with lies, or even

the sound of my own voice.

The blindness,

isolating.

The milky silence-

roaring, head-splitting.

The pain, the stiffness in my paint-crusted body,

Unbearable.

The fear,

Worse.

To move, to breathe, to ask

Was to crack.

And to crack was unacceptable.

But my plaster would crack and it would flake.

So I'd use that palette knife with my

Own lifeless hands to apply more to my skin,

like a band-aid on a gaping wound.

Those I loved and admired,

They'd do this too.

Content not to see, not to hear,

not to move or to breathe.

Not to live.

Oops, a crack.

A Sigh, a dip into the white to reapply.

Even as my skin would itch and my tongue would bleed

from everything I couldn't speak.

The glaze all-consuming,

absorbing all thought and seeping through my skin.

My shallow breath began to crackle and

I began to wheeze, the thick alabaster bubbling in my lungs.

I grew more faint, sure it was the end.

My cast was set and I would fade into back,

Blend in nicely like the rest.

But that was the day

He found me in the Whitewash.