When the World Feels Unsteady

In the shower, I feel the water pouring down on me.

I try to focus on my breathing, the water, the sound it makes...

anything but the thoughts swirling in my head or the tears on my cheeks.

"You're not good enough.; You're crazy.; What's wrong with you?..."

The list goes on and on.

Thoughts swirling and so loud that I can't breathe.

I turn off the shower and grab my towel.

I step out of the shower and try to force myself to get dressed, keep going, but panic grips me.

Suddenly, I find myself naked and on the bathroom floor, and I'm not fully sure how I got here.

I can't breathe, can't move...I lie crumpled in the fetal position, just gasping for air.

Time passes slowly as I struggle to breathe and grasp my chest.

I think, "You are such a waste of space on this Earth. What could I use to end it? What's in this bathroom that I could use? What would be quickest?"

I frantically search the shelves and think of what's beneath them.

A curling iron, scissors, the cord to the curling iron, and I could always get back in the tub and electrocute myself.

I think of what would be quickest and easiest. What would be the most efficient way to die?

Then,...a light bulb moment.

If I die, who will take care of my children?

The options left were not the best.

I may not be the most wonderful human being, but he may be worse.

I don't want my daughter with him.

I know that now.

I don't want my son raised by his stepmother.

So, at the edge but knowing I have to keep going, I notice my surroundings.

The water drips from my body.

My skin feels wet.

I see a yellow light coming from the light bulbs.

I hear my stepsons walking around the house.

I drag myself to an upright position.

I look at myself in the mirror and take a ragged breath.

My world tilts, and I know what I must do.

I can't stay.

I can't be here anymore.

If I stay, either he or I will die.

No one comes out of a domestic violence relationship alive.

Unless I leave.