Introvert Extremist

There are things I wonder but dare not speak.

Things I know would hurt feelings.

Things that sound cruel, perhaps heartless.

I think I've been alone too long.

Hell, even when I was with the men I was with, I was alone.

I've always had my family, but even that has come at a price.

The truth is that some days, I just want to be left the hell alone.

Everyone gets on my nerves, everything gets on my nerves.

It crawls and burrows under my skin like some unwanted insect.

Being nice is such a chore.

Why do you ask so many questions?

Why are your questions so pointless?

Didn't I explain to you how to do that yesterday?

Gosh darn it, I'm tired of playing mommy to grown-ups!

Figure it out yourself.

And then, I'm mad at myself.

Why do I always find people who need help? Need fixing, so to speak?

Those who are lost and hurting.

I'm tired of playing mommy, and yet that is who seems to be drawn to me.

This feeling can last for days, weeks, and these are the times when I wonder...

Should I stay alone?

I eventually decide that people don't disgust me anymore and that I want to contact my friends, family for a get-together, but honestly, most of the time I'm comfortable in my solitude.

I sometimes see myself with a partner laughing and watching TV at the end of the day, talking about the good and bad parts of the day, and eating a shared meal.

Sometimes I see myself after the children grow up and leave, doing this alone, though, and perhaps doing some art projects or reading a book instead. I would have my cats instead of a partner.

Which do I daydream about more often?

I cannot give you an honest answer to that because I fear it may be the latter.

The truth is I'm comfortable alone.

I like being alone.

All my life, I've been taught to find a partner because one day you'll be old and alone... oh, won't that be awful?

One day you'll wish you had someone, so you better find someone.

But,...is this the correct path for me?

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know I need to be true to myself.

What if that doesn't look like what everyone thinks it should?

I've always felt something was missing.

I'm always restless.

Even when I'm with someone, I still question, still feel unsettled.

Nature is the only place I feel whole.

That is my truth.