When the silence speaks volumes no one else can hear

It's a mascarade

With a smile on my face, I tried to be brave

Deep within my soul, I wanted to cave

Everyone kept telling me I was so strong

I held back the tears that would prove they were wrong

I longed to tell people to "Shut the hell up!"

But did not allow my overwhelming emotions to erupt

Silently, I stood as they closed the casket top

I gave a salute, but internally was shouting " stop, please stop"

I walked to my seat as if all was well

No one knew I felt faint, and I almost fell

Putting on the happy face

My brain told me to break down, cry, and scream

Run out of the chapel as if in a bad dream

When the preacher said, "He's in a better place"

I nodded my head with dignity and a smile on my face

Yet my mind voiced profanities no one else would hear

I didn't want him gone "Damn it"! I needed him near

Reactions to unsolicited advice

I cringed but said nothing each time I was told

A familiar line that quickly grew old

"He's waiting for you, you will see him again

But the Bible says there is no marriage in heaven

Move on, date and marry again, many began to say

I grinned but internally screamed "Get the f*ck out of my way!"

Reality sets in

I could have spoken all that I had been feeling

But it would not have affected that with which I am dealing

I took vows that proclaimed "Till death us do part"

Yet I still loved and desired him inside my breaking heart

I have lost my spouse, my lover, and best friend

When his eyes closed in death it was the end

I took vows that proclaimed "Till death us do part"

Yet I still loved and desired him inside my breaking heart

Reality sucks

When songs about forever and eternal love now play

They greatly anger me and vex my soul today

Strong internal voices are pushing me to yell

"Love's not everlasting and widowhood is straight from hell"

Some people think I am no longer grieving

But outward looks can be so deceiving

A lady doesn't say this and Christians don't say that

So the pain will remain just where it's at

I've learned to develop the perfect denial and coping spiel

While the voices in my head scream "This shit is real!"

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