When I find her

I have never known peace

but when I meet her,

I will introduce myself

hands trembling, voice soft,

like I am finally arriving home

to a place I’ve never lived.

She won’t know my name at first.

She’ll tilt her head,

like she’s seen me before in paintings of saints and sinners

always the tired one in the corner, trying to be good.

I’ll forget how to breathe.

Or maybe I’ll remember.

I’ll say,

“I’ve looked for you

in lovers who left,

in bottles, in blades,

in prayers I didn’t believe

but whispered anyway.

I’ve begged chaos to hold me

because at least he stayed”

I’ll say

“I wasn’t sure you were real

but I kept breathing for you.

I stayed alive just in case”

She might sit beside me

like she’s been here before

She might hold my hand

without asking for anything in return.

She might not speak at all,

and I’ll understand her perfectly.

I have never known peace

but when I meet her,

I will stay.