What If...

What if after all this time I was nothing more than wasted time?

What if I am not supposed to be this?

What if I could live a happier life?

You said to seek first your kingdom, and I did and look where it led me

Another year in school, just trying to survive through the financial vex

You said all things I want will be shown to me

But I must be blind because I don’t see anything

All I have are lined paper and a pen, Like a sketchpad to an artist

I cry and mourn poetically.

When I can come to grips with the transgressions I commit

When I have the courage to talk about them,

When there’s no eavesdropping,

Where no one is watching

Twisting the lock on my door, my heart I pour

And if you can see the visions I want to achieve, how come you won’t let me?

If you know my thoughts, and my hearts desire,

And you know that my intentions are to empower and inspire

Why not use me with what I have to offer?

What if this whole time, I have been confused about my life?

What if my purpose is not to be alive?

If words hold the power of life and death, there are hands around my throat

As if my words could heal more than my hands, and if that’s true

Then I need you more than a cash advance,

Because what if my hobbies are how you speak to me,

How you speak through me, what if I am nothing more than a messenger?

God, what if after all this time, my sole mission was to get this prediction right?

What if after all of this, after everything I have done, and have yet to become

Is this where my story ends? Left for another to find and uncover, to build up a legacy

What if after all, I am nothing more than you’re most boisterous,

Yet thanks to my cowardice, I was never unearthed

Left as a mystery, or am I a curse?

What if this breath I take is my last?

Will you comfort my soul, and give me the wings to soar?

So that my life can be complete, beside you, and fighting amongst your angels

In the Heavenly war

After all my training, it would be a waste to not save another, as you have saved me

What if this poem is the last one I write, would it suffice?

What if...I was only meant to live and then die?

Because to live is Christ, and to die is gain

And a thousand lashings I will attain,

To declare you across the land as the Messiah the Great I Am

I will tattoo myself as “N”

To symbolize myself as the Daughter of The Nazarene

I’ll do whatever I must to prove that it’s always your love I lust…

I am yours, I submit myself to your overwhelming love and embrace

Bowing at the cross rather than knocking on Death’s door