What I Want

I guess today is one of those feelings

One of those annoying thoughts that crosses my mind

And sits there just staring back at me.

When will I not be so broken?

When will it be my time to heal?

~

I ask my mind that a lot.

I ask her about the hurt feelings

I ask her about the love and caring emotions that just won’t subside

And then I ask her what she wants

Being my mind,

There’s a million answers

And one will not be satisfactory

~

So, I sit.

I cross my legs Indian style

I cross my hands in my lap

And I take a deep breath

To try to center myself

~

It comes back to the mirror

It comes back to looking at my reflection

And wondering if I can fix the broken girl in the picture

I shouldn’t be so tough on her

She’s been through enough

~

I wanted to be a pilot once

I wanted to be a lawyer too

I wanted to be loved and cared for by those who were meant to lift me up

I wanted more

And I felt like I deserved more

But in the end,

I settled for everything that I had

~

Now life seems fair

I don’t wake up and think of you instantly

I don’t pick up the phone looking for your call or text

I’ve learned to live my life for me

And that’s a wonderful feeling

I wanted freedom

And I’ve gained some peace

I wanted you,

But you didn’t want me

And, you know what,

That’s okay

Because I wanted me

I wanted to get to know the girl again

I wanted to smile and see her smile back at me again

So smile

If for no one else but yourself.