Untitled #1

I am not hungry

Liquid will suffice

A meal a day at least

or at most

will keep me fine

Sobriety fucking sucks

inebriation is key

I mean, I am a poet, right?

Isn't that the gift?

every good writer

was never right in the head

Life is a curse

especially here

eco-terrorism by definition is letting children be born

I have neither happiness or sadness

This is a downward spiral

What I never wanted but saw coming

The push I needed to finally freefall

into the abyss

hopefully it is like sleep, forever.

I've been in my head too much

wondering what to do

If I drink pills too much

pop pills too much

disappoint too much

I'm increasingly afraid it'll rain.

"I'm sorry about last night"

should be my motto

I do not feel real

Not a human, I feel numb, everything is grey.

I am a burden

I am a monster

Why must I lie?

To not disturb the peace others have?

The peace I long for?

I do not want to hurt, but I do always

If nobody is happy with me

I am nothing.

If people feel bad for me

I have something

If people laugh and express joy through me or my suffering

I have it all.

I don't like people

I want no relationships

they end in two ways

Death, or someone leaves

so why bother?

People disgust me

terrify me.

People hurt me

seeing others happy

gives me a visceral reaction

a genuine gag

a heave and cough that causes me to hold down my vomit

I barely recognize myself anymore

I don't want to see myself

In pictures

or mirrors

or anywhere else

This mask

this fucking mask

I want it off

I want to be normal

I just want color, again.