Unsent Letters: IX

I’m tired of being seen for my “potential”

I have the capacity for great things

I create beauty

I create art

My abilities to make things happen is endless and yet in moments when I am at zero I feel bound and chained to the greatness of my “potential”

In my moments of needing rest

Of needing simplicity

I am tortured by the potential of greatness not being utilized

I am allowed to be at zero

I get fixated on perception and every time that leads to my downfall

I do not allow myself to be still

Silence my mind and thoughts and let my potential fade away for the moment

It will always be there

When I’m ready to turn it into something real

But in the meantime I cannot use potential as a measurement of value

I am valuable because I am me

Whether I am doing anything or not

Whether I have money or not

Whether I have projects or not

Whether I am thin or not

I constantly feel the need to have to out do myself

There’s a drive to prove myself

But I’ve already proven it

Everything I want to do I do it

When I no longer want to, I don’t

When I want to pick it up again I do

Everyone expects so much from me

They see my potential and form resentment when it’s not being utilized as they see fit

And now I’m disappointing others for not fulfilling a version of myself that they can imagine me being

I’m not my potential

I’m me

I disappoint myself when I don’t live up to the potential I see in me

It’s an everyday battle to love yourself

To accept every part of you

The good

The bad

The beautiful

The ugly

The creative

The boring

The power

The trauma

Digging into the deeper sides of me has been traumatic and healing

I’ve come out stronger each time

I spiral

I cry

I lose hope

And then gain it back again

I get lost in my mind and depression puts me on pause but I love myself back into reality

My mind is so beautiful but it tortures me

It creates art but deprives me of my sleep

My mind is all I have