Spoken Word: Unsent Letters VIII

Body dysmorphia a hell of a disease

I lost 30 pounds and I feel really awkward about it

I’ve done this before

Losing hella weight

Hella fast

And then gain it back

Just like that

But this time I did it right

Like I did it right

My intentions too

They changed

So why did my brain

Stay the same

Why is it hard to look beyond the mirror?

Why do I still live in my “before” pictures?

Like I split who I was

And pictures of before are viewed in disgust

I’m patient enough

To give myself time

To fall in love

With my body at every stage and every size

Just seems like

I can never escape that broken feeling

That feeling I refuse to address

And decide to express

It as a form of self hate instead

Barricade my thoughts

Intended to think a certain way

Year after year

Day after day

I avoid the mirror

The disconnected stress

Of who I see

Who I feel

Who I am

Drags me by the neck

I’m distorted

Disproportioned

But I snap myself out

Before I get depressed

And move on

Without giving any importance

I’m avoidant

And it piles up inside

I run away from the love

That I worked so hard to nurture

and provide

I’m uncomfortable loving a part of me

So deeply insecure

I hide what I believe I don’t have the capacity to cure

I want the faith I’ll overcome

Cause I’m afraid I’ll never change

And Faith is opposite of fear

And these fears may vary

It’s very unsettling

How many are settling

Down and deep

Planted for life

They own property in my mind

Tax free

Wish I was lying

I want to kick them out

But my hands are tied

Buggin ass squatters seem to know their rights

They get real loud

When I get real blind

I don’t even recognize the problem most times

I’ll try to hate food and make it the enemy

Deprive myself until I break

And blame myself for everything

I’m too big, too thick

But not the right kind that’s skinny everywhere

Except ass and hips

I grew a passion for working out

My back has Definition

Back to affirmations

That keep me grounded in the gym

Back to lifting weights

As a coping mechanism

Back to inclined cardio

To incline my vibrations

Higher ways of thinking

Deep dive the simulation

Alive and I’m breathing

Over 100 minutes of disassociation

Disassociated with lingering issues

Can be complicated

Scared to eat what I want

Cause I’m afraid I’ll over do it

Read every pound

Every ounce

Fluctuations have me ruined

I work so hard to just be healthy

Started this journey for that exactly

No other motives

I wanted balance

So why the fuck do I still feel damaged

Baggage

Overturning the scales

Paying extra fees if I don’t empty out

The panic of not feeling good about myself

Good enough and self doubt

Screaming and pleading

Just to be felt

Too many thoughts to think about

I’d rather think than feel

It’s easier to derail

I guess that’s why I like to smoke before I work out

I can focus on the muscle verses how fat I look right now

I can focus on my breathing

Lift me up

Then me calm down

I love myself deeply

It’s just my mind that has a sickness

I do everything to heal

So I don’t obsess with fitness

Cause I’ll do anything to drop this weight

And in the past there were no limits

I’ll do anything to stop the feeling that

Im not good enough for living

Cause that’s how deep these feelings can run

I spent my life trying to out run them

And made myself grow numb

Now I spend my life trying to rewire

All the damage that I’ve done

The more I heal my mind

The safer I feel to heal my heart

The more I heal my heart

The more I feel safe

I always obsessed over being perfect and being skinny because I thought that was the key to being happy with yourself

When all I ever wanted was to feel safe and comfortable in my own skin

It’s hard enough to not feel safe outside of myself, but if I cultivate and nurture this infinite universe within

If I protect the space within

If I love the space within

If I accept the space within

If I trust the space within

I just might find my wholeness