"Unlucky Number 7s, III"

Seeking

Seventies Stud Seeks Submissive Broad:

Chronologically, I’m 74YO. Biologically, I’m 24. On patrol, outside Hanoi, in AUG ’72, a flash flood claimed me. Steeped in nutrient-rich mud, I lay in torpor for 50 years, until a backhoe unearthed me.

What a world I awoke in! In my day, eyeglasses earmarked defective specimens. These days, they’re a fashion statement?! Since when do pronouns replace nouns at will? No “CONDOMS A MUST” need apply. My sword don’t wear no shield. By now, there’s gotta be a cure for everything out there anyway, right?

Call Burt Barton @ (928) XXX-XXXX.

Waterloo Seeks Her Next Napolean:

South Beach-based influencer seeks fit, malignant narcissist for a dysfunctional relationship sure to end in an alcohol-inflamed, jealousy-fueled murder suicide. Must have a verifiable history of rushing into one toxic, codependent romance after another.

Expect 50-100 texts per day; expect to return as many. Expect spontaneous bouts of ugly crying, always in public. Expect to live under a cloud of undue suspicion. Expect your long-term friendships to be starved, sieged, sabotaged, or otherwise used against you. Expect the make-up sex to make it all worth it.

Call: Tomlin Abercrombie @ (424) XXX-XXXX.

Love Junkie, Come Get Your Fix:

Love-bombing albatross seeks a perch. Have you impulsively blown your rent on “body art” culled from a goth teen’s sketch pad? Have you lost bartending jobs because you smoke too much, too often? Are you down to your last genetic lottery dime? Be the Jane to my Jesse Pinkman.

Of course, my ex hates me. Of course, she’s going to hate you. Of course I have kids. Of course, visits are supervised. Of course, garnishments eat up my wages. Of course, my perpetually-sullen preteens are going to hate you, and seize every occasion to remind you that you’re not their real mom!”

Call Zack Osgood @ (928) XXX-XXXX.

Tan Pompano Man Seeking Kindred Spirit:

65YO gin-blossomed boomer with a full head of hair implants seeks someone, 35-50YO, to grow old with, while living in denial about aging. My hobbies include golf, cigars, classic cars, and bribing the local gentry to "overlook" sea turtle nesting sites that would hinder my condo's private access privilege. I’m a BIG BWI enthusiast, more so within manatee zones.

Must mistreat service workers. Must maintain a precancerous Pompano Beach glow, set against pearl-white veneers. Must support Trump, the Once and Future POTUS, in his campaign to rid our nation of blacks, Semites, Muslims, feminists, the entirety of the LGBTQ Community, and any other 2nd-class citizens whom us invasive white devils graciously abide. Nonsmokers need not apply.

Call Windsor “Win” Corcoran @ (954) XXX-XXXX.

Stranger In a Strange Land Seeks Shepherd, Possibly Sherpa:

Elderly “Austrian” male seeks German-speaking gentile female caretaker. Must be willing to relocate to Buenos Aires at a moment’s notice. Experience in countersurveillance a plus, but not a must. When I pass, you’ll inherit millions in rare coins, fine art, as well as precious stones, and metals. Duties include daily diaper changes, daily sausage, and sauerkraut, preparation, and the daily feeding of false leads to the IDF.

Call Dieter Donnerstag: (414) XXX-XXXX.

Master of the Universe Seeking Favored Subject:

Hedge fund manager seeks trophy wife 3.0. Duties include Met galas, boat regattas, and other gauche displays of wealth. Must hail from WASP stock. Must sign a prenup. Must turn a blind eye to my serial sexual indiscretions with twenty-something subordinates. Must be void of opinions, or desire for personal growth. Compensation includes introducing yourself as “Misses ‘[INSERT MY FIRST, MIDDLE, AND LAST NAME HERE];’ a country club membership; unlimited antidepressants, and cosmetic surgeries; an undocumented live-in domestic to treat like a subhuman slave; and induction into an elite clique of mean-spirited “Karens” whose only accomplishment in life was marrying accomplished “Darrens.”

Call Miles Mereweather: (310) XXX-XXXX.