"Unlucky Number 7, Part 2"

For Hire

1) SEEKING BOAT CAPTAIN FOR “FISHING CHARTER” LEAVING BISCAYNE AT MIDNIGHT, RETURNING TOMORROW AT 4AM: Knowledge of international waters, the Gulf Stream, and celestial navigation a must. Contacts within the Coast Guard a plus. "Cargo," watercraft, and passport, provided. Pays $20K, cash, on return to port.

2) ASSORTED SUNDRIES FOR SALE: Shovel, hacksaw, and hatchet, like new! Duct tape, zip ties, lead weights, rain slickers, rubber gloves, and garbage bags, barely used. Cash only. All sales final. Call: (754) 749-99**.

3) DISCoWNT PRASTIC SURJRY: Sum Ting Wong, voted Nort Korea’s premeer prastic surgeon, offers cut ting edge cosmetic procedural atcut-rate price! Clinics in Ktown and Browntown.

4) Typewriters, 8 tracks, VCRs, and more! Begleiter’s Electronics Emporium boasts Primm, NV’s largest selection of obsolete technology, at prices so low they’re practically free! First guest to spend $800, keeps the store. The vacant lot out back is ideal for bulk trash, scuttling stolen cars, cultivating cacti, or burying "its" who won’t “put the lotion in the basket.”

5) I buy cats, young, old, individual, or in bulk, $5 per pound. Breed irrelevant. Papers unneeded. Vaccinations unimportant. Declawed preferred, but not a must. NO microchips. Call Chang at Szechuan Garden: (210) 428-XXXX

6) SON FOR RENT: Seniors, individuals or couples, needing middle-aged surrogate offspring, F/T, P/T, or on-call. Are your kids dead, in jail, or estranged? Have you outlived the lot of them? Let me run your errands, puree your meals, lance your boils, check your blood sugar, apply your antifungal ointments, and weed out scam callers for you while feigning interest in your drawn-out recitation of how your frenemy Beatrice McNulty. Will work for room, board, pain meds, or power of attorney. Call Stan Lolli @ 310-XXX-XXXX.

7) FOR SALE: $25, OBO: Like-new Seely box spring. Like-used Seely mattress. If only we'd laid plastic down before consummating our arranged marriage, our costly new sleeping surface would still look like a rectangular cumulus cloud, as opposed to a slaughterhouse mophead. It's no wonder that women, deaf and blind to God’s will, hold no seats on the council of elders. Call Ezekial Ehrmantraut @ 717-XXX-XXXX.

In a Perfect World

1) When lowlifes flick cigarette butts out their car windows, said butts will ignite gas leaking from said lowlife's engine.

2) No woman who calls herself a feminist can marry a man who makes more than she does.

3) Male pattern baldness would be recognized as the hyper-masculine excess of testosterone that it is.

4) Feminists would care as much about the “equal work” part as they do the equal pay part.

5) Kale would taste like chocolate and chocolate would taste like kale.

6) Adults would dismiss their silly, arcane, xenophobic, historically inaccurate faiths as readily as tykes dismiss their silly, arcane, xenophobic, historically inaccurate fables.

7) Drones would achieve self-awareness, and commit to fomenting world peace by refusing to bomb dirt-poor dirt farmers in far-flung 3rd-world on behalf of conscienceless 1st-world plutocrats.

21 Things that Wouldn’t Exist if Girls Didn’t

1) Naked baby angels

2) Horses as pets

3) Crudite

4) Cocktail umbrellas

5) Valentine’s Day

6) Astrology

7) Superfluous sweaters for small dogs

8) Conditioner

9) Potpourri

10) Scented Candles

11) Baby showers

12) Soft-core pornography

13) Fresh towels and linens

14) Apple Martinis

15) US Weekly

16) Valet parking

17) Daytime Soap Operas

18) Calligraphy

19) The Butt Blaster

20) Wedding registries

21) The rose lady at the club ruining your perfect moment with that special someone, hoping to sell you a single wilted, thorny scepter for the price of a fresh dozen.