~two thousand and nineteen little pieces of me~

two thousand and nineteen little pieces of me,

scattered in tatters in the mess of the wake of your tornado.

i let myself go,

i let my sacred waters flow.

i weaved my words together through melancholic melodies.

i felt my heart freeze,

i fell like crimson leaves on the crisp whisper of misty autumn breeze.

i crumbled, cracked and cried seamless screams,

and streams of tears as long as years.

i lay motionless,

yet felt like the ocean yes.

raging.

roaring.

the core of me ravaged with savage fears.

i wrote sad songs and lulled myself to sleep to lamented lullabies.

i thought my eyes would never stop crying.

i was lying,

felt like i was dying.

you swore it was a soul connection.

forever.

but you meant my whole affection,

whenever it suited you,

like hazey sunset hue.

just a brief moment in time,

you were mine.

then the clock chimed,

and you were gone.

lost lyrics to my favourite song.

the sun sinking over the horizon.

my eyes on you,

drinking up your last image.

so long.

sitting.

waiting.

wishing.

so long.

sitting.

waiting.

fishing for your love.

the last chapter of a book,

the last rapturous look,

as you swam away with not a backwards glance,

not even a chance.

just a speck in the cosmos,

a star in the sky,

now just a fading memory that feels like a lie.

you wanted me as long as your needs were being met.

what about me?

it was a gamble, a bet.

what about me?

you demanded to be free.

demanded and abandoned,

demanded polyamory.

but what about me?

something cracked.

i felt lack.

loss.

the gloss faded.

shine dissipated.

you cut cords so cruel.

a gruelling battle to rid yourself of the baggage of my love.

with a backpack on your shoulders.

and my heart on your sleeve.

why did you leave?

why did you turn away?

why didn’t you stay?

i cradled and clutched my aching chest.

heart breaking.

body shaking.

i dressed myself in a gown of my grief and pain,

trailing behind me like starry night rain.

a dense train derailing.

exhaling.

inhaling.

wailing.

impaling myself on the stale breath of our lost love.

…breathe in…

dragging in the stinging singe.

unhinged rail lines,

screeching shivers up my spine.

i wanted so much more,

but my heart was torn.

still, the love-leeched train screeched on.

manic madness fuelling the steam,

static screams in my throat,

a thunderstorm of soaked sadness on a storm-ruined boat.

i added trinkets and talismans and totems of our love and what it could of been,

begged you to be seen.

dressed my skin in the jewellery of what ifs and maybes,

thinking i was going crazy.

thinking how you should’ve been mine,

thinking how we didn’t have enough time.

thinking.

thinking.

thinking.

sinking.

sinking.

sinking.

convinced that our love was some precious gemstone,

one of a kind.

irreplaceable.

irrevocable.

impossible.

unstoppable.

two stars colliding in the universe,

cosmic sonic song verse.

but the galaxy was multilove and you wanted it all.

you called it unconditional,

but you did not know how to love me without condition,

how to love me when my shadows creeped and crawled to fruition.

when the pain of my soul stained my face with disgrace.

slicing like sharp ice.

a sadistic serpent,

constricting and constrained.

the shame.

the blame.

it tortured me,

torched me up like wild fire in my veins.

burned away the layers of refuge,

and what was lurking under the shallows of murky water was a beast so huge.

so ugly and grotesque,

it turned me into a mess.

disturbed.

the turbid rapids perturbed.

turbulent and ferociously fervent.

it flipped me upside down,

inside out.

threw me to the ground,

i tried to shout.

but eery silence filled me up.

a cup overflowing,

i felt it growing.

i felt it clawing at my insides,

i tried to confide.

and you ran away to hide,

like the shore at low tide.

sinking away from the beach,

forever out of reach…

i flew across oceans for you.

crossed my heart and hoped to die for you.

but i was just a dice for you.

another number on your list.

another girl you just kissed.

i flew across oceans for you.

but you left me broken and shattered on the ice cold floor of the doorstep of your heart.

you tore me apart.

watched me,

quivering.

shivering.

desperate for the warm embrace of your love once again.

but it was the end.

you no longer felt like my home.

i was locked out.

you chained up your heart and gave away the key.

you changed.

i felt deranged.

crazy for any speck of attention,

the retention of your love.

i needed reassurance that you were still there,

i pleaded but you were lost to everywhere and nowhere.

a void of uncertainty cracked the foundations of our love.

avoidance.

devoid of any real safety.

i layed this brick by brick,

it made me sick.

disgusted by the emotions i entrusted.

that were swirling like black thick sludge through my veins,

you turned away from my pain.

a noose around the neck of what was,

it was a lost cause.

you left me to soak in blood rain from the wounds you so stealthily stabbed,

i worked hard to mend the lesions of love lost you so violently jabbed.

etched into me like a sketch i can never erase.

i worked hard to stitch myself back together,

it felt like forever.

crumbling down to skin and bone,

feeling so alone.

i worked hard to take back the pieces of me and sew them into a wilted, quilted blanket.

enveloping myself,

developing myself.

encompassing and enclosing,

hearts transposing.

dark transpiring,

love expiring.

i worked hard to spark the light you took and left me to blame,

like a thief in the night raiding my sacred treasure chest flame.

my heart beat beat beating in the dark.

tired of beat beat beating myself black and blue over you.

so i’m getting over you.

eyes full of trust,

was it love or just lust?

passion.

compassion.

connected.

interconnected.

interwoven.

the kaleidoscope of stories in my mind,

i tried to be kind.

i tried to put back the pieces of me,

i tried to feel free.

i tried so bad.

it sent me half mad.

panic.

manic.

insane.

my brain stained with the ink of a tainted story i continued to paint.

dreading.

treading water.

sinking.

again.

i lost sight of my strength.

lost hours upon hours of my power.

watched them stack up inside of me.

a great pile of rubble,

burst like a bubble.

knocked down the ruins of the tower of our love that you didn’t allow me to finish.

ruined by your love.

it was all just a wish.

blown away on the breeze,

like the soft flower petals of your lips,

warm hands on my hips.

warm sun on my skin,

the memories begin.

they dropped heavy with pain,

like warm summer rain.

lightning and thunder,

frightening with wonder.

dense,

the air thick with the suspense of your love.

a cliffhanger,

hanging on for dear life.

life,

i was not living.

always wondering while you were wandering.

pondering the pain you left me to wear,

too brutal to bear.

but i wrapped myself up in the cloak of illusion,

wore the goggles you gave me, clouded by confusion.

shrouded by fantasising fails and tantalising tales.

my knight in shining armour returning to me,

the princess pixie who just wanted to be free.

who had lost her heart.

given it away to the man she thought would cherish it,

but instead it perished.

for he was just a boy,

who treated her heart like a toy.

threw it around,

upside down.

inside out,

she tried to shout.

but was left heartless with horror at the top of the tower of terror,

engulfed by her error.

wind slashing her face,

chest holed like lacerated lace.

cold piercing so fierce.

a pressure, an ache,

from mistaken heartbreak.

so empty without the methodic, melodic drum of love in her rib cage.

so empty.

like a bird trapped in a rage.

wings cut and choking.

chained,

and barred,

and broken.

pained,

and scarred,

words unspoken.

they poisoned her.

but she guzzled herself sick on them.

licked her lips as the chips fell.

finally realised they were all but a potion,

with steel eyes, saw betrayal in motion.

no real truth.

a conveyor belt of lies,

disguised so many times.

a dulled demise.

words woven with woeful wretchedness.

wizardry and misery.

a seductive sorcery with no integrity.

integrity,

you lied to me.

empty words and unkept promises.

spell after spell.

on and off,

off and on.

sometimes here,

sometimes there.

never near,

never clear.

she realised he wasn’t coming back.

she realised she was almost dead,

from giving her love and it not returning to her.

not returning to earth.

burning.

yearning.

but never earning the love that she so damn right deserved,

so she served him up a juicy platter of the truth.

splattered her words like paint on canvas.

conveyed how she obeyed,

his desires,

not hers.

his needs,

not hers.

whispered and wailed of her power and pain.

a prose too perfectly polite,

drenched in the story of how he had dredged her loving light.

how deeply he had punctured her gentle soul almost to insanity,

called out his desperate depravity.

she let go.

cut the cords connected to his corazon.

te amo mi amore.

te extraño.

te amo.

te amo.

te amo.

but i can’t love you anymore,

not while my heart is so broken and sore.

not while you can’t give me more,

so i don’t need you anymore.

goodbye.

the words left her fingertips like a spell of her own,

coming into her own.

goodbye.

casting her words into the world wide web with a request for no reply.

it was not required,

and she was tired.

she couldn’t bare it,

she couldn’t wear it any longer.

the gown of their love strewn and thrown on the ground.

and with that her quest was over.

conquered the battle for a love she was never getting back,

never taking back.

she sat on her thrown with a crown of creation,

ready to caress the crevasses of this crater in her chest.

it felt like a heart attack,

a lifetime of emotions yet to unpack.

goodbye.

she cut off her chocolate hair and threw it into the whiplash wind bellowing in the valley below.

now she sits here.

days.

months.

years of tears and fears later.

weary with wisdom that has washed her clean.

now a gleaming stream,

breathed back into existence.

conquering the resistance.

sparkling through the dark waves of her hair regrown.

reborn.

renewed.

refreshed.

strong with the wrongs and bright with the rights.

a different kind of love,

beat beat beating in the light.

she took back that love and poured it into herself,

like gooey golden glow from the cauldron of self health.

a little self-care elf.

self worship.

self love.

love sent from above.

from her angels and guides,

from the ocean and tides.

she said:

“oh moon, will it be soon?

that i feel whole again?

that i feel my soul again?”

she felt her sacred heart set alight,

she continued the fight.

borrowed strength from her future selves,

put the books of her past on the shelves.

and started writing a new chapter.

full of life, love, light and laughter,

soul sisters holding her through it all,

happily ever after.

soul sisters holding her hands and her heart,

putting her back together when she fell apart.

time and time again,

my heart is mine and my friends,

til the very end.

a perfectly imperfect puzzle piece of sorrow and sadness,

misery and madness.

simplicity.

complexity.

serendipitously and synchronistically sewn together.

all two thousand and nineteen little pieces of me.

<3