Remembering me

Manic. Panic. Fear washing over me. Begging to be free. Of the pain. The tremendously terrifying terrors. Remembering all of the errors of my life. Strife. Straining to stay sane. Insane in the membrane. Lost my brain. Lost my mind. Mindless wandering. Straying from the path of sanity. Depravity. Gravity weighing me down. Feels like I’ll drown. In the sea of the ocean of my emotions. Washing over me. Waves of sadness. Breaking and washing into shore. Dissipating but never disappearing. Energy is neither created nor destroyed. Energy is e-motions. Energy in motion. Grief. Anger. Rage. Ravenous inside of me. Eating me alive. Muscles and bones aching. Faking a smile. Feelings stacked up in a big pile. Unsorted and unspoken. Pain. Rain. A storm. Deep inside. Empty inside. Trying to hide. From the world. From myself. My poor mental health. My poor body. Thinning down to skin and bones. Jawline jaggered. Staggering around. Skating on thin ice. Walking on the sharp blade of sanity. Slicing my feet on it trying to balance. Balance. I do not have it. Trying not to fall. But fallen I have. Deep into a hole. And there’s no getting out. Trying to shout. But I lose my voice. I am lost. I can’t find my way out. Help me. But I can’t speak. Lethargy leaking out of me. Depression seeping from the core of me. Heavy. Hindered. The remainder of me is starving. Not eating. Empty. There is nothing left of me. Zombie. Walking dead. Legs weighed down by lead. Stuck in my body. And stuck in my mind. Stuck in my head. Stuck in bed. Crying. Feels like I’m dying. Lying. To myself. Chaos. A terrible typhoon horrifically howling in the night. Fragile with fright. Fearfully frozen. Wind and rain slashing the windows. Thunder and lightning cracking and crumbling. Tumbling down on me. A cyclone of psychotic thoughts. Endless lists of diseases and infections. My whole body infected by my mind. Stained and tainted. Almost fainted. Faintly walking through the world. The wind howling through my body. Like a rock worn away by the sharp breeze. Misty autumn feeling. Coming into winter. Cold. Craving warmth. But all I got was skinny love. Unloved. Unwanted. Rejected. Unprotected. Psychic attack. Under attack. Gun shots going off in my mind. A war ravaging within me. Death. Disaster. Devastated. Denial. I’m stuck in the thick of it all. Stuck in the mud. Sticky. Wicked. Stuck in the thick sludge. Trudging through. Holding a grudge. Against myself. Poor me. My heart is so sore. I wanted so much more. Wind slashing my face. Chest lacerated like lace. Beautifully broken. Broken into 2019 little pieces. Scattered in tatters in the mess of the wake of your tornado. I let myself go. Let my sacred waters flow. Dressed myself in a gown of sadness. Misery and madness. I have gone mad. Who am I? Eyes wild. Inner child. Broken. From words unspoken. 12 years of my life lost. Another year lost in a crazy haze. Stuck in the maze. Can’t get out. Mad. Sad. Demons inside of me. Something is attached to me. Sucking the life out of me. A fire raging in my stomach. Burning my insides. My brain feels fried. Feels like I’ve died. I lied. I cried. I did not abide. Can I get better? I don’t have the capacity. To feel better. Think better. Do better. Be better. I just want to be better. Does it even matter? Do I matter? My mind is scattered. A broken jigsaw. Smashed together in altered attempts to put it back together. But I forgot the design. What was I making? What was I doing? I forgot the artwork that I am. Who am I? I can’t recognise my face. Everything feels like a race. Speedy. Sped up. On fast forward. What was I doing? What is my existence. Existential crisis. Crisis. Jesus Christ. What is going on? Who am I? I lost myself. Completely. Was broken down into dust. Drifting on the breeze. Sifting out only dark thoughts. I must. I must. So I did. 000. Ambulance sirens wailing. Woke up in a daze. I am alive. Life. It is worth living. Giving. And taking. Or rather receiving. To receive. To give. To live. Live life. Feel life. Love. Kindness. Care. I’m ready to share. My experience. Hypnosis. Hypnotised. Hypothesised. Memorised. Mesmerised. It was my demise. Read. Read. Read. Thought. Thought. Thought. Thinking. Sinking. Drowning. With dread. I was dead. Empty. I emptied it all out. I felt clear. Crystal clear. Clear quartz. Removing negative energy. Energy healing. A great remembering. But first. Prognosis. Psychosis. Treatment. Medicate. Meditate. Draw. Sing. Connect. Play. Write stories. Story-telling. Whispering not yelling. Not look at me. But see me. Poetic proses so perfectly projected. Protected. Connected. All of me. Mind. Body. And soul. Feeling whole. Hear me. But hear me gently. Wonderfully weaving words together in a symphony of sounds, shapes and spirals. Winding and finding my path. Singing and bringing myself back to life. Resuscitate. CPR on my heart. It is art. Finding my craft. Like a raft boat. Saving me from the sinking ship. The ocean roaring beneath me. Breathing life back into me. Breathe it in. Right down into your heart chakra. Green love energy. Cosmic. Earthly. Rebirthing. Remembering. Retracing my steps. Rediscovering. Remember who you are. Remember the stars. The moon. The sun. Sunshine through the green glow of the leaves blowing softly in the breeze. Golden warmth on soft skin. Swimming under the first wave in springtime bliss. A kiss from the ocean. Diving deep. Blue envelopes me. Caressing my whole body. A softness surrounds me. Calming me. The rhythmic motion of the waves rocking my emotions into stillness. Quiet. Light whispers of seashells tinkling. Fairies and mermaids. Magic and play. Remember your inner child. Remember you. Remember your magic. Yours alone. Remember your soul. Your spirit. Remember me. Me. Who am I now? I am love. I am light. I am free. Free to be me. With all of my kooky craziness. It’s not laziness. ADHD. My mind is differently wired. Conspired against me. Procrastination. Distractions. Alcohol. Trauma. Years. Healing. Feeling. Doing. Being. Freeing. No longer freezing in the ice storm of a broken heart. A broken soul. A broken body. A broken mind. Now I understand my heart. Understand my soul. Understand my body. Understand my mind. Understand my journey. Stand under my ego. Let go. Release. Breathe out. Breathe in. Let it in. Open your heart. Open your mind. Open your soul to the magic of the universe. Say yes to life. Accept it all. Accept my mind. Accept my body. Body positivity. I see the path forward. The path out. The path in. Tell your stories. Tell them to the world. Share. Unsheathing layers of myself. Emerging. Blossoming. Blooming. An abundant garden fruiting in the summertime. Succulent. Fresh mulberries and mangoes. Sweet and juicy. Life is juicy. Life is good. I am good. Better than good. Amazing. A zing in my step. And a bounce in my bottom. No longer rock bottom. I am out of the hole. I am thriving. No longer just surviving. Now I can see. Now I can speak. Now I can move. I can breathe. I can walk. I can dance. I can sing. I can draw. I can write. Write until there are no words left inside of me. No longer empty but energy in motion. So many synchronistic serendipities. So many things to be grateful for. Doors are opening for me and I am walking through them. I love life. I love me. I am free. I am alive. And what a beautiful adventure that is.