Tunnel Vision

Potential.

I vaguely remember it. Actually, I believe it still dwells within me, as I do feel it from time to time.

Serenity.

If I get a moment to sit for a moment longer than one minute, I may find it tolerable to sit still for those 2 minutes or maybe even longer in order to wait and see if the jitters from lack of sleep show themselves. If not, and if I'm still being allotted the extra minute, I may proceed to do what we call meditate before I am forced out of my three minute long trance and into the world of pressure and time restraints. How serene.

Once in this world again, I feel myself slip. I know I'm still there as I'm walking around in my meat suit and I can hear the relentless voice in my head telling me what I haven't gotten done and the reasons I can or cannot do them. Some of these things, albeit very few given the little room left for them, are things I WANT to be doing. However, they are quickly pushed aside by bully voice who reminds me that I do not have a quality ratio of energy: time in order to make room for those silly efforts.

Every few 24 hours or so, I catch a fleeting feeling of that which motivated folks call ENERGY. With this rare opportunity, I sit down and begin working on those things which bully voice told me to ignore. I may achieve a few of the tasks involving these things called 'goals and ambitions', before being struck in the face by my roommate fatigue, who reminds me I'm delusional. The energy is only my brain trying to wake myself up and I am now falling asleep again.

I watch time fade on my life as I build up exponential ideas of what to do with it in my mind, but am unable to build their structures in reality.

The life I want is accessible. I am capable of reaching for it, therefore I can have it if I work for it tirelessly.

You are what you eat and you are what you think and do. The problem with that comes into play when you are so tired thinking and doing are feats in and of themselves.

So I put my dreams on the shelves. This is clearly not healthy and clearly not sustainable.

I don't want to be wealthy. I just want to be happy doing what I know I can do if I had the energy and time. Right now physics is not in my favor, so I have to learn to work against it and savor the sleepiness as if it is not a hinderance. Its an excuse to stay still and work on my stuff, not yours.

I will get through this mental war.