To Escape

I wished to escape for just a moment

to stop the burning in my heart

to pause the ache in my chest

to breathe without the bleeding of my lungs

to forget.

But I landed here

at the bottom of the bottle

in a puddle of guilt

and the ground said “I missed you”

but I don’t feel the same

because I’ve fought to live every day

until last night when a wine bottle cried itself into the bottomless pit of my desperation

and the pills danced/ pirouetted into my mouth

almost like it was meant to be.

I wished to forget for just one moment

the grief that bangs against the wall I built to keep it out

because it hurts.

Boy it hurts to long for what can never be

for a cure

because this loneliness is terminal

and I will always be alone.

I tried filling the gaping chasm with many imposters,

self-love and meditation

but years of being unloved can’t be replaced by a teddy bear.

And now the little bit of longing

has escaped from a pore in my walls

and it burns like a fire in my empty soul

and breaks through the deception

the distractions

 and the rainbow hasn’t come to visit lately

and the sun forgets to say hello

the trees stopped dancing in the morning

and the stars may bleed across the night sky

but I have become blind.

All I want is to escape for a moment

to forget.