This Kiss Is Not For You

“I love your lips”

he says absently

his gaze on her pout for only a second

before shifting away

she doesn't know to what

her nails carve tiny, neat sickles into her arm flesh

one distorted slightly by a scar

she stares at it while he's distracted-- always so distracted

her mother's voice scolding her for picking at her skin

a loud yellow leaf floating atop her stream of consciousness

unconscious? she wonders

is he sleeping?

or did he simply decide again that she doesn't

exist

later, he scribbles her name

with hearts

flings it at her

the way one might discard food

that filled them up after a few bites

she opens her heart to his words

carefully decoding the nuances

calculates a reply

alone again staring at empty space

the hours sting like

wasps darting at her head, her throat

feeling swollen, choked,

mute

then, she rises

meticulous hairstyle, porcelain doll makeup

words blooming again from her throat

another one-sided kiss, sweetly revealed

“gorgeous” he mumbles

his eyes buried in the bosom

of a squeaky-voiced bunny girl

she retreats

stares at screens until she wants to crawl inside

heavy breasts and cellulite weighing down her dignity

she falls with

desperation in her “I love yous”

the last

a quivering mouth forming “oh”

like a sigh

“this kiss is not for you,” she says

with a flash of fireworks in her eyes

painting every unexpressed thought

in her magnum opus mural

on the bedroom wall