These Days

"We write to taste life twice. In the moment and in retrospect."

I long to write things for people to taste

Studio apartment

Desks covered in crumpled pages and pencil shavings

Books scattered on my hardwood floors

I want my words to matter one day

So bad

These days

I've been walking on eggshells around my notebooks

I want so bad to say something right

To say something important

But I still keep coming here

And reading other people's words

And shredding all of mine

I am lost

I am so lost

I don’t know where to go from here

These days

I do not want to fall sleep because I do not want to wake up

I just want this clarity

I don’t want to keep throwing away my words

I don’t want to keep remembering that I am not good enough

These days

It takes me too much time to tie my shoes

I say "I am done" instead of "I am sorry"

And I am sorry about that

I care too much

And show too little

I know

These days

I'm just awake and impatient

I'm just done

And I'm just sorry

These days

Pretty hurts

My stories are written about fantasies of a prettier girl

How does a girl feel okay in her skin?

Does that even exist?

Eventually

You feel everyone looking at you

And painting your skin

Painting your skin with your own blood

Shed in the war of pretty

Pretty is hurting me

These days

"You're only yourself at night"

He looked at my red eyes

He told me I look pretty when I cry

But baby

I'm not sad

I'm lost in clouds tonight

Perhaps

In the day

I am not happy

And

I am not pretty

Because I don’t want to hurt anyone

I don’t want to paint

These days

I am trapped in a bodysuit that doesn’t fit

Nothing fits

These days

These days

I am me

But I am lost

I am saying words I want to write down

People are saying words I want to write down

I wish those were my doings on the walls

I wish I could smile at mirrors

I wish I could smile at my notebooks

I wish soon wasn’t so soon

I wish things didn’t cost money

I wish people were happy

I wish to make a mistake with love

I wish to let someone in

If I let you in

Break things

Just show me what its like to feel broken over someone else

I am desperate

To feel and to be and to love and to have

These days

I wish I could say I have my world at arm's length

But the truth is

I am chasing after my world

Tripping over careless shoelace tying

Stuttering before I speak

Breathing heavy into the phone

And I've got nothing to show for it

But tight jeans

Ripped pages

Bad grades

Pretty friends

And questions

These days

Turn into these nights

And I can only hope

That one of these days

I will wake up and be me

And one of these days

I better fucking love

Me