there is no i in blue

blue blew me to death in a spiraling-down through the moon. i, a haughty mortal, swooned at the peril within, incinerated between the black ash of my children whom i had not yet borne, but who stumbled with me through my hours as i dissolved the masks i painted in a perpetually pleasing rectitude. their patience with my ineptitude was like the grace of a pastel-turquoise sky, as i merged yellow and thick with the apocalypse storm.

that night, the moon hatched with the stars in a mission-- to dominate my willfulness. they triumphed. moon inhaled me whole in her wisdom, then expelled me in a plasmatic puddle of blue she vacuumed me through with a new name, an old clue, a damned attitude, and an archaic sense of brimstone expression. since then, i’ve been burdened by a lonely charge, and from being with you.

i met my spawn before their spirits took tight to my womb; i saw my future as already written on the domed walls of my tomb, and knew that this blue spiraling through, evoked the truth that destiny was real, and i had chosen a seclusive skin to wrap about my sinews. the first blue was like if a tsunami brewed beneath the sea’s surface so long, it almost touched infinity, then, in a sudden breaking in, erupted sonically, like black thunder under feet, wrecking every piece patterned to society's structure—i was unique, finally, but invasively alone.

i wonder, if this is the source of the blues.

upon the blue wings of a jay is the joy of flight, but also the wrathful jaws of nature. i learned this when i observed one snap up the egg of a sparrow and gulp it down. i regard my blue paisley gown, sewn by the moon and stained by the ocean, in this way—unapologetically as it is. blue’s sway is gentle like a lapping lake, yet fearsome like the water of a hurricane, whipped round so violently its spritz is torpedoes. blue battered me lewd, brazen, ignorant, and terrified. her comeuppance throughout the fragments of my ego shattered them barbed, then glued them like shark teeth together. i blamed blue for my shame, dysmorphia, and primordial impact; for the crazed veil she shrouded round my shoulders, casting the dye of my breast unacceptable—humanity’s scarlet A. i accept.

i was so scared of what blue did to me that i shook rabid in the corner of my bedroom. i crushed my sister’s fingers in the door for trying to enter. i hustled angels for the score and their celestite miracles— i barred them from communion when they refused to provide. i hid away, but i don’t hide anymore. blue broke me down till i died, and in that passing away of i, so went resistance to the surrendering of my most cherished cache of too many selves. blue spiraled down through my crown, struck a geyser, and came upon a timeless line of warring personalities: the scarlet woman, the poet king, the fraud, the raw and wild snake, the flailing millennial, the savior, the damsel, and the baby girl who only knows love, as that’s all there is to know. i, whoever i is, was the collateral damage of their scourge to this soul, whimpering in the shadows of consciousness, begging them to make peace.

i

i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i

released.

blue, through her dawning in my core like a pod of blue whales sieging the top of the sea—their tales (tails) slapping with the intensity of god’s thumb—exhausted i to sand. like undulating sage, she smudged my pattern to peace as the babes i may bear can't take seed till unity. blue beamed my gaze to the refracting phantasmagoria in my sides so that there were no sides anymore— only i slants of the same wave. thus i was one perceiving the same one, and thus there was no i, but many eyes, seeing out through the same pool, their iris lapped by the same lake. balance weighed the scale. blue wafted through the shaft of my breath, and it was not that she had changed, but that i became boundless. we settled with the grace of children.

blue’s mystery appeals like this eternally layered universe. how her shower softened and leapt my soul to hers, we ask, but no, never mind. i died.

only i wants to know.