The ugly caterpillar

I'm not a bad human,
I was just poorly designed…

And the upbringing I had
only made my situation more unfortunate.
In fact, it's honestly a big part
of why I failed as a mother.

I remember fantasizing
growing up as a teen,
of a different life,
and different life circumstances.

That stopped for a long time,
because I had to grow up in a way,
so I accepted reality for what it was.
But I've realized sometimes the heart needs a break.

So now and then I catch myself fantasizing,
about different conversations
we may potentially have,
and all the different things I might say.

I find myself constantly replaying
all the ways you might confront me
about how much I have hurt you,
and the best way to respond to that.

When all this was still fresh,
and I was still young,
I realized, my answers
were that of a victim.

But now I notice,
the answers that come to me
are no longer to save face,
but to try and help you.

Maybe it's because with time
I've gained more trauma
and damage of my own,
yet also, I've learned what real love is.

I have been so consumed
in being stuck in my own
thinking errors from my
childhood based traumas.

And now that I'm grown
and have had children of my own,
I've had to face and fix
where my parents went wrong with me.

Better late than never I hope.

I won't try and lie,
I resent them sometimes.
I think, why didn't they try harder?
And why didn't they love me enough?

I mean I'm now 35,
certain ways they have improved.
But other's…
Well it's been a steady decline.

It worries me sometimes,
did they ever feel like I did?
Did they ever really try to fix it like me?
And did they just fail? Will that be me…?

I refuse to believe that though,
there is a fighter in me and I believe,
deep down inside,
I will break this cycle.

That someday, I will choose to,
even despite the spite
and stubbornness,
end up one day thanking them.

For failing me when they needed to step up.
For still not being there,
when I'm almost pushing 40,
for giving me the strength to say “Fuck that.”

For building so much rage inside of me
with their lies and hypocrisy…

That it hits the point
I'm not physically or mentally able
to do anything but show them
what it looks like to make a real effort.

Not just with words,
but with actions and choices.
To say, I've learned my lesson,
and I'm gonna work on fixing what I broke.

To show real,
and unconditional love.
To prove we don't have to stay programmed
to responding tou our traumas.

To show there is a better way,
and if it fails
then God knows I made the effort
and I did my best to make it right…

Yeah, I'm gonna beat this,
I'm gonna be the better human,
and the parent I always wished I had,
even if it's from a distance…

It's time to break the cycle,
time to break this curse.

So I hope you do confront me someday,
I hope you let it all out.
And I will be ready,
to face it with unconditional love.

R.I.P.
W.H.A.