The Things I'd Never Say

The Things I’d Never Say

By: H. M. Zike

There are so many thoughts, a never ending stream of thoughts that I have, thoughts that I can’t say out loud. Thoughts that I can’t get rid of. Thoughts that repeat in my head like a never ending breaking news ribbon at the bottom of the television screen.

Thoughts about myself, about how disgusting I am. How repulsive I find myself. The hate that I unleash upon myself for the simple act of trying to stay alive.

Heartbroken thoughts about how I have failed to keep promises that I was too young to understand when I made them. How absolutely useless I am. How I will never live up to the person I want to be; the person you wanted me to be.

Thoughts about the anger I feel at the Universe for ripping the things I love from me. Anger about being alone, anger about being unable to live up to my own expectations of myself and who I should be. Anger at my brain for not working the way it’s supposed to; making me different from everyone around me. There is so much anger it scares me sometimes.

Guilty thoughts about resenting those that I love because I feel they’ve abandoned me at one point or another. Cast aside and shoved in an out of the way box where I’m neither seen nor heard. An afterthought and an inconvenience.

Feeling like I’m drowning in sad thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me. A thought that maybe the world and my family would be better; Happier, without me. Treading water trying to keep my head above the surface. Desperately gasping for air.

Scarred thoughts about not being able to keep fighting. Contenplating ending it all, ending all the thoughts, the feelings, the conflict.

Afraid of the memories stuck in my head, of feeling stupid, feeling useless, feeling disgusted in myself, feeling worthless, feeling hated, feeling ostracized. Memories of being told I was worthless.

Thoughts, thoughts, neverendly exhausting thoughts.

Rattling around my brain at all hours of the day and night. Never getting a moment's peace. Thoughts that I’m not allowed to say out loud because I would bring everyone around me down.

Instead of being supportive I get their own thoughts, Their candy coated sickeningly sweet dismissive thoughts.Thoughts like, just try harder to be happy. Don’t be sad, Try to be more positive, Get more vitamin D, go outside more, Join in a sport, and try to be more active. Condescendingly thrown at me with callous and unfeeling obligation. If only you knew the amount of hours I tried harder and how many times I tried to join in, only to be shoved back down to the ground.

Thoughts about how I feel, of how exhausting all of these thoughts are. Thoughts about feeling hopeless, thoughts about heartbreak and rejection. Thoughts about wanting to run away and hide somewhere simple and quiet so that all the thoughts will stop. Only there is no peace and quiet and the thoughts don’t stop; they only pile higher, and higher, and higher.

A never ending unattainable list of things that need to get done. Each thought slowing me down demanding attention. It’s like living with the peanut gallery literally inside your head screaming at you all day long.

“Don’t wear that! It’s too trashy, people might say you're asking for it.”

“Don’t say that! You will sound like an absolute moron.”

“Why can’t you do these simple everyday things that everyone takes for granted?”

Everyone else can stay focused and on task. Everyone else can manage a work life balance. Everyone else can find time to socialize. Everyone else can find someone to love them. Everyone else can eat without feeling guilty. Everyone else can resist their impulsive thoughts.

Why? Why am I incapable? What about me is so wrong or broken that I am unable to do these simple things. Like control my thoughts.

What if, What if, what if I’m not broken. What if I am simply made for a different world, A better world. A kinder world where mankind can celebrate each other's differences instead of fearing them.

A world where a woman’s value is based upon what she can offer the world rather than a temporary youthful beauty that was always destined to fade away. What if there is a world where women build each other up; instead of tearing each other down in the name of self preservation.

A world where All creatures are treated equally with empathy for not only themselves but also for others around them.

These are the thoughts I have, the dreams, the nightmares, and the things I’d never dare to speak out loud.

The thing’s I’ll never say.