The Sickness

Twitchy eyes, adrenaline spikes, and diverted attention.

The nervous system tightens and suddenly you are alone in the world, trapped in a cage of desire bursting with an energy that once blew purpose and power into a cold, empty shell of a life.

At the center of my mind was an image worth chasing, no matter the cost.

A strong man, unburdened, and worthy. Until a successful chase no longer sufficed and the game reoriented itself in real time. I wanted to be sought after—the object of desire.

One event cascaded into the next and the image came into focus. I refined the persona with a fine attention to detail.

One brushstroke after another it sharpened; aloof but deeply caring, a runner that cherished the moment, a fighter that wanted to be loved, a lover that could not fight anymore.

We met in a crowded bar, and it didn’t take long for him to get his hooks in me. He had it all and knew it all.

The world looked so different through his twisted kaleidoscope, and I liked it.

Hidden desires revealed themselves in subtle gestures, soulful confessions slipped out of quiet conversation. The layer of interacting and being I was once oblivious to came into view.

He wrapped his arms around me with pride, and I felt warm.

Wanting became becoming and off we went.

Of course, in the conscious mind we do not see ourselves pathologizing, in its rightful place is a seemingly self-evident (and obviously self-serving) rationale for the behavior.

“I am who I am.”

But who are you? Careful staring too long into yourself, who you see might surprise you... Because with time and repetitions the space widens, until the person and the reality that mirrors their perception is perverted entirely.

Blind ambition refracts carelessly into the world, projecting onto others and manifesting in action far detached from the original self.

A peacekeeper on the surface, problem solver, diplomat... but underneath—hides a man that knows to give local men their tobacco but can’t follow the second rule...

Big eyes, dark features, and a warm look make it easy to forget again.

If you never see your shadow, you can live under its direction without guilt. But are you free—or are you sick?

Dare to look.

Angry men join arms and wage war.

Frightened men run.

Cowards keep their eyes fixed forward and let him steer quietly.

Some will hang him in the city center out of disgust—others will look for him in others and hang them instead.

Only the wisest will look him in the eyes and take ownership of the path forward.

It isn’t easy.

You must be willing to try and fail and try again, but with understanding and resilience, peace can be made, progress can be earned, and life’s true colors can be restored.