the pursuit of thin

At age 16,

I decided to be skinny,

telling myself that then

and only then

would I be happy,

would I find love,

would life be easy.

So, for 7 years,

I barely ate,

worked out

3 times a day, and

lied to myself

that this was all okay.

And I finally got down

to 110 pounds,

but by that point,

I just hated myself,

and a miserable,

half-lived life

was the only thing I found.

Constantly hungry,

always so anxious,

always so grumpy,

I started acting

like a total junkie:

binging in secret,

only to feel angry

that I cheated,

I quickly gave in

to that sweet temptation,

anxious to satisfy

my mind's expectation

that I bring it all up,

so that I could achieve

the addicting sensation

of total self-purification.

But eventually, I realized

that my pursuit of thin

had not only turned

the act of eating food

into an unforgivable sin,

but had also cost me

many a lover

and many a friend,

robbing me of a life

I used to enjoy,

twisting it into nothing

but means to an end.

And worst of all,

the whole focus on thin

has made me

forever uncomfortable

in my own damn skin.

- the pursuit of thin