The Little Things

I wish life and love were as easy as the little sayings about them: "If you love something let it go", "There are plenty of fish in the sea", "Life is like a box of chocolates", "Home is where the heart is"…

That one never fails to pull me apart.

Home

Is

Where

The

Heart

Is.

If that is so it only makes it harder for me to find a home,

For my heart goes out to my mother having tried so hard without her mind

left

finding solace in substance

finding sanctuary in steele reserves

finding out her kids are lost souls just like her…

Wandering in search of a home and only finding rest stops

Meanwhile pops is off somewhere- sad and aging just the same

but

With another family

and another name

and wrists stained with wounds.

In my room

A girl and her eyes

and her hands

and her lips

and her thighs

and my heart goes out to them- She always seemed to keep up with the rhythm that my heartache would tirelessly beat me with and into.

Her love is eternal but eventually the tears run out and my troubles recycle with memories and ghosts and dreams and deja vu.

My heart goes out to my grandmother;

the one who raised me and taught me how to read, the one who had sold whatever she could to pay for my karate lessons so that I’d know how to defend myself and no longer get bullied.

She told me that I was born to lead. She told me nothing could stop me because it was in our blood. She told me that we are Apache and my spirit was powerful and beautiful and ready for any battle I was born to face.

She called me her son. She called me while I was working to make ends meet in my first apartment.

My aunt called me when she died, barely able to speak, handed the phone to my cousin who cried, letting me in on the dreadful news.

My poor grandfather. My heart goes out to him. Her ex-husband who I grew up knowing as a stoic man with a beard he could tuck into his belt. A Hell’s Angel. A father figure of sorts, A Leo. A lanky, frail, shaved faced patient in hospital gown, how is it that a grotesque heartbreak is what did him in and only a few months after his ex-wife?

I wish love and life were as easy as the little sayings…

All I can say is if my heart is my home and my heart is scattered about the west in pain then I must be a nomad and I must be insane and that’s okay.

I’ll find a way to save my loved ones.