the letter i never sent

A Letter to My Daughter

23 October 2017

the world

gives you

so much pain

and here you are

making gold out of it

-Rupi Kaur, ‘Milk and Honey’

si'l vous plais

rsvp

Hey baby

Mom here. I always start my letters off with a relevant quote or two, and this one is no different. When I was teenager, my favourite quote was by a poet named Mary Oliver. It went, ‘Tell me, what is it you want to do with your one wild and precious life?’ When I first read this, I don’t think I truly understood the magnitude of how important it is to cherish your life. It is so terrifyingly short and beautiful and breathtaking, but it isn’t always easy. A lot of the time, it’s really hard and dark, but baby, where there is light, it will find you.

I know things are hard right now, but trust me, things will get better. I have no doubt that so far you have had a beautiful life because I know I will give that to you. But life can be tough and people can be cruel. I’m giving this letter to you at a point when I know you are feeling low because I’ve been there. I have crawled out of the deepest pits of emptiness and I have made it this far. In nearly 21 years, I have learned immeasurable lessons and I know I still have a whole world to uncover, so I’ll keep writing to you as I learn and grow. There are a lot of things that have helped out of dark times, like writing, reading, laughing, friends, and music. I’ll tell you more when you’re grown up, and I’m grown up, but these are the things that are relevant right now.

Today a friend asked me, ‘If there was one word you could use to describe what you need right now, what would it be?’, and I answered with the word ‘time’. I was 20-years-old, stressed and a little misguided. It was October, my final third year exams were approaching, and it just felt like my world was caving in. I felt like I was on a train that wasn’t stopping and I wanted so desperately to get off. But I couldn’t, and I thought about you and all the things that are still coming in my future, and I know that I don’t want to stop time even though things are hard. I promise you, there will be so many times that you are trying to catch your breath and wish time would slow down or speed up just to avoid a situation you are in, but honey, stop doing that. Don’t wish away your time because you will experience moments that are so incredible that you will wish you could live in them forever. Live for those moments when things feel too hard. For now, I’ve made a short list of tips and lessons I’ve learned in 21 years.

Eat that piece of cake. I promise you you’re not as fat as you think you are. Don’t feel ashamed.

Love the body you were given. You only get one so treat it as a temple. Indulge in sweet things, but feed it with goodness and sun. Stop worrying about your stretch marks and start stretching your mind.

Don’t take everything so seriously. Yes, there will be things that require you to be serious, but learn to laugh at yourself. You’ll feel better, I promise.

Be proud to be a woman. Oh my baby, I hope you’re living in a kinder world where women have more freedom. There are a lot of women right now who are trying to make the world a lighter place for you. Don’t let men get you down, but also remember that if you don’t feel comfortable being a woman in your own skin, be whatever you want to be. Be proud of your dark skin and your frizzy hair. Realise that people look different but that there is beauty in everyone. It’s okay that you don’t look like people in the magazines.

Everyone is different, accept them for who they are. There are so many different people in this world, and there is no wrong or right way to be. Love and accept people for all they are, even when - especially when - their sexuality, gender, race, or their background, is different to yours.

Trust the vibes you get. Energy does not lie. Everyone has goodness in them. Look for it, but if a relationship doesn’t help you grow, then leave.

Let toxic people go.

Tell the truth, regardless of the consequences..

Ask more questions.

Make time for those you love. And let it be mutual.

It’s okay to be wrong.

If you want to change something, do it. You have more control over your life than you think.

Life is too short to waste time hating people.

Practice self-love. Every single day. Your mental health comes first. Don’t feel afraid to talk to someone if you think you need help, even if it isn't me you talk to.

Burn the candles. Use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Stop saving them for ‘someday’, today is special.

Stand up for your convictions. Speak out against injustice.

Cry.

Forgive. Do not harden your hard.

Depression, anxiety or and mental disorders are real. Try to understand what other people are going through, and when you can’t understand, just be there.

Get up. It’s okay to take a day off, and it’s okay to take a few days off, but nothing is going to happen when you aren’t helping yourself.

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” - Buddha

Cherish those moments that make saying goodbye so hard and that make loving so easy. Indulge in the moments when your feet can’t touch the ground because you’re flying so high that not even cloud nine can catch you. Revel in the moments that make your heart skip a beat and bask in the conversations that terrify you, but simultaneously soak up your mind. Those are the moments of magic. Turn mine stones into milestones and make gold, baby.

Yours always,

Ma