The Holidays are Hard

The Holidays are hard for me

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”

Except for when it’s not

The holidays are here and all I can think

is how to survive until January 2nd

I sit on my couch

Thinking of how much I hate Halloween

A holiday I should love

Costumes and Candy

Samhain, the pagan New Year

Are totally my thing

And yet it’s tainted

Because it’s also the day my abuser was born

I sit on my couch

Thinking of how much I hate Thanksgiving

I love stuffing and green bean casserole

Rolls and sweet potatoes with marshmallows

And of course the turkey

Which reminds me of a tofurkey

My fathers mother bought me one year

And my father forced me to eat

Even after the taste and texture made me sick

I sit on my couch

And think of how much I hate Christmas

Because I see the trees and the ornaments

The bobbles and presents

And it reminds me of the presents rewrapped and recycled by his family under the Christmas tree

Gifts they were gifted they didn’t want

And passed down to the children

Who couldn’t refuse

Who opened gifts and said thank you

For the same gift given on a birthday or easter

The exact same gift taken from a bedroom and wrapped again

And given fresh

I sit on my couch

Thinking of how much I hate New Years Eve

Not only for the fireworks

An autistics nightmare

But because it reminds me of the new years my father struck me

For not enjoying the poppers he’d gotten

And sent me to my room to sob

While everyone else had fun

And firecrackers reigned supreme

As did his control of me

Control

Even years passed a decade after they abandoned me

Took his side over mine

Called me a liar for speaking the truth

When all I did

Was try to prevent him from hurting anyone else

I can’t let it go

And I hate myself for it

For the control he still has over me

I can’t let it go

Because it scares me to think

Of the children he’s still around

And would he do to them

Th e things he did to me

I’ve been told I should forgive him

Not for him but for me

I’ve been told I should forgive them

For not believing me

For painting me out of the family portrait

Because I didn’t fit in

And it’s easier to believe a granddaughter

A niece

A sister

A cousin

Is a liar

Than admitting there’s a pedophile in the family

I’ve been told I should forgive him

Not because he deserves forgiveness

But because I need it to heal

They say forgiveness is divine

Well I’m not

And while the rest of the year I can tuck it away and say it doesn’t affect me anymore

This time of year is too much

So I’ll wear my costume

Eat my turkey

Wrap and unwrap presents

From the people who do love me

And I’ll bring in the New Year with a cheer

But all I want

Is to get

To January 2nd

Because the holidays are hard for me