The Greening of Solitude

Let me sit here.

Just sit here.

Rest for awhile.

Just for awhile.

Let me look at the greening of the trees,

The lazy blue slide of the river.

This house, this temporary home,

providing respite.

Providing solace.

Let me listen.

Listen to the silence.

The silence of nothing

But everything all at once.

Let me feel.

Let me just feel nothing.

Please.

Oh Please.

Let me just feel nothing for once,

Instead of everything.

I feel alone.

So alone.

Surrounded by nature.

The chirping of the birds.

The green blossoming of the trees.

The air smells sweet.

Everything is coming alive after winter.

But me.

Everything but me.

My heart is closed.

It’s heavy and it hurts.

It feels unloved, suppressed.

Can it open again?

Much like these green leaves unfurling

Along the riverbank?

Will the sweet air,

The rustle of the waves lapping along

The riverbank so subtly.

The chirping of the birds,

The solitude.

Unplugged and alone.

Set here to heal.

To overcome.

To move past.

Move past the unworthiness.

Unload the burdens.

The burdens placed on me

By an emotionally unavailable mother.

Abused by her father,

Abandoned by her mother.

Constantly telling me,

“You have to be better,

You have to do better.”

Oh so clearly not saying,

Yet implying,

“You’re not good enough, unless.”

So in my head, I hear myself,

My inner voice.

She’s not kind.

She’s not happy.

She’s mostly quiet.

How do I find myself?

Underneath the pressure,

The constant criticism.

How will I do it?

I’ll sit here.

In silence.

That’s not really silence.

I’ll watch the river glide on by.

Surrounded by green.

Let the burdens fall off one by one.

Day by day.

Week by week.

Month by month.

As spring spins into summer and the

Blue of the sky meets the blue of the river.

Only broken by the green of the trees

Along the riverbank.

I’ll let the calm settle my soul,

Settle my head,

Settle my heart.

Now as the leaves darken from the bright,

Light, neon green of spring to the

deeper green of late summer.

I sit here on the riverbank and muse.

The healing power of nature.

The therapy of the outdoors.

Listening to those chirping birds.

The lapping of the water against the riverbank.

The river, she just glides along.

She knows she is enough.

The trees, they just bloom and grow.

Their leaves changing spring to summer,

Before they drop off in autumn.

The leaves, they green up.

Every season.

Confident in themselves.

In their purpose.

Because they know.

They are enough.

I am enough.

No outer voice can tell me different.

I am enough.

So I will sit here as the green fades.

And know that the calm,

The quiet,

The solitude,

Allowed me to heal a little.

Just a little.

A little shifting of that inner voice.

My heart opened a little,

Just a little.

Opened enough to let in love.

Love for the green.

Love for the calm.

The tranquility.

The peace.

The feeling of contentment,

It's new to me,

But not for long.