The Grand Fear

the eventuality of the fall leaks behind my eyelids as salt

blends with water, drips down and catches the floor.

I read Lorca poems on a day, just like this, hoping

to be wished away - somewhere where they won't find the body

or the soul.

*

Migraines pummel my brain and shiver down to my feet

in terror. I'm sad though I don't know why, I'm scared but I

don't know what of. I go entire days without speech,

my jaw clenches until my teeth hurt. My heart beats horrific and bold

though I cannot move.

*

I am invisble and make no noise to be known. Scared of the sunlight

and the outdoors, and the social, the intense, the conversation of-

it doesn't matter. My feet lock against the floor even though their

movement rumbles in shakes and jitters. I am not safe until I return

or until I exhale.

*

And I can't let it out - it just stays there in my throat like a knife,

pushing and twisting, I choke on my own lungs. I cannot eat, I cannot

sleep, I cannot, I cannot, I cannot... The fear in my soul shakes my every-

day awake, makes my nights unruly moments of wakeful nonsense. I read

Dante through misted glass.

*

And I die a little everyday - all the time, I send the cramps from my legs to

my heart - my mind shouts 'catch' as I fall through space.

No-one to see me drown.

No-one to watch the show.