The First Lesson

I used to bargain with the universe

like it was a cashier who made mistakes.

If I’m nicer, if I’m quieter,

If I love harder

Can I get a different ending?

﹁﹂

I made deals in my head

while brushing my teeth,

Spit, rinse, promise, repeat.

I lit candles I didn’t believe in.

I watched the clock at 11:11

Like numbers could parent me.

﹁﹂

When you pulled away, I offered more.

My time. My body. My peace.

I called it compromise.

It was hunger with good manners.

﹁﹂

I said, just one more conversation,

just one more chance,

just one more week

And I’ll stop asking, I swear

as if I could swear my way

into being chosen.

﹁﹂

The first lesson was ugly simple:

Some doors don’t open

no matter how politely you knock.

﹁﹂

And the truth didn’t arrive like lightning.

It arrived like a receipt

I couldn’t argue with.

Total: exactly what it cost me.

﹁﹂

I stood there, holding it,

and finally stopped negotiating

with what was already real.