The First Five Chapters

0.

They taught you

“In the beginning, there was light.”

When they ask you for your name

Point to the scripture

Tell them there is nowhere in you that they can hide

Tell them you don’t have a shadow

Or a sin

In the whole of your hollowed heart

When the boy with the same name as your father

asks you to go in the tunnel with him alone

Tell the teacher

When the boy with thick glasses and curly hair kisses you

In the middle of class

Without asking

Tell the teacher

When the teenage boy next door

Invites you in his room

And asks to see your underwear

Tell your mother

Tell his mother

Call your grandmother

Call the cops

Don’t hold your tongue

Don’t hold your breath

When the boy your mother babysits

Asks you to take of your clothes off and go into the closet

Scream

Let the world know your young rage

The full force of all that you can say

Let them cower and crawl away from the purity of your power

Of your ability to speak up

1.

When your mother leaves you for her alcoholic boyfriend (again)

Do not hope this is the last time

Instead, close that door in your heart despite its desperate ache to stay open

The only thing that will enter here is a cold wind and bottle caps

Tears and years of unanswered questions

When the boy with broken knuckles

Smile like a campfire

Eyes wide and wondering

Tells you he loves you under a sea of stars and blankets

Tell him you love him too

But do not hold him hostage in the heartbreak of your empty home

Do not close him out in the cold for fear of his warmth running out

He is a lighthouse

You, the raging sea

Let him stand like a sanctum in the storm that will not cease

It will not cease

Now or ever

Let him stay anyway

When his mother opens her arms to you

Do not question it

Do not crumble under her soft touch

Do not run in the direction of destruction because it is all you have known

Let yourself be held

Just for once

Let yourself be loved and do not question it

Do not make others question it

There are no answers here

There is only the possibility of pureness and patience

Do not spoil it

2.

When the boy in a tux

With eyes like pools of ice

tells you he loves you

after two weeks of drunken sex

and unspoken words

Do not melt

Do not puddle at his feet

Do not bend at the knees for his God

Keep your own

Do not question the questions

That slither through the back of your mind, serpentine and wise

They are holding truths at the center of their coiled question marks

Listen to their urgency

as panic replaces patience

and paranoia slips out of his mouth at the mention of another woman

If he makes you feel hard to love do not make a home out of your lonely

Do not stop until you find a man with hands that can hold all of you

and not just the parts that are fun to play with

You are not a concept

You are not a character

Or a toy

Or an empty vessel to be filled

Let the ocean of you wash away anything that can not withstand the taste of your depths

The color of your infinity

3.

Go

go with the boy

Do not hesitate

Let him teach you what it is like to dance in the daydream of a love that you never thought was possible but always hoped was real

Let the summer drown you

drink up every moment of his honeyed skin and the taste of beer on his lips

but when fall is around the corner and it is time for him to leave

do not follow him looking for answers

He will only leave you with more questions

He will only leave you

He will only leave you

every time he can, he will

And if you don’t let him go now

You never will

The dream of this will always be sweeter than the reality

4.

The funny thing about being as endless and open as the ocean you call home

Is that you won’t know what you’ve caught in your net until you cut it open

Guts spilling on the sand like a warning

Like an apology

When he asks you to go on a date, say no

when he buys you another drink, say no

when he hand you the pipe, leave the room

when he puts his hands on you, yell

When he climbs on top of you, all 225 pounds crushing your hollow bones

And you feel like you can’t breathe

And every moment of your life up to this point has taught you to freeze

Scream anyway

Yell

Kick

Run

And run

And run

Do not look back

Do not let yourself fall into the honeyed arms of the boy you waited on every street corner for on your way to your own life

When the boy in a tux returns

with a ring in his hand and eyes

melted into puddles of promise

and you are more broken than you thought possible

Do not hurt him to call it even

Do not dangle his heart in front of the place in your chest where yours used to be

For the satisfaction of having something you once would have died for

You know there is no salvation here

Instead thank him for teaching you tolerance

Thank him for reminding you what it felt like to have a heartbeat

To forget the blackened skies of betrayal

To taste the lost memories of cherried cheeks and butterflies at the throat

Do not lie and tell him maybe

Tell him to find a woman with less fire in her hair

And more give in her heart

5.

There’s nothing I could tell you now that would have changed a thing

And I still don't know if I would have changed a thing

Sometimes the hardest lessons

And the ways they destroy us

Are the doorways to our rebirth

Sometimes destruction of everything you thought you were

Is the only thing that can show you just how strong you really are

When you start to wonder if it was all worth it

Hug yourself

Look at your daughter

And know that you fought for love

That you have always fought for love

And in the end, it's the only thing worth dying for