The Empty Pit Inside of Me

Part I

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I cannot come to comprehend

The pain of my despair,

I cannot fathom the bitterness

Of sorrow everywhere.

-

I recall that day so long ago

As dark as it had been,

A vivid picture in my mind

Creating woe and sin.

-

It was a grey and gloomy day

About six summers back,

My brother and I were throwing stones

Down at the sidewalk cracks.

-

“Let’s go for a walk in the woods,” said he,

Eyes shining with a luminous glow,

I agreed, but as for me,

I did not want to go.

-

In the back of our farm down past the creek

We ventured into the forest,

But little did we dare to know

That Death was soon upon us.

-

We came across a great old oak

Casting its shadow on us,

My brother had a grand idea

“I know! Let’s have a contest!”

-

We carelessly climbed the fragile limbs

I hoped that I would win,

But halfway up a sudden SNAP!

Caused me to shake within.

-

I peered up through the eerie leaves

Looking where he had been,

But alas! I could not find him there

For down to the ground he had fallen.

-

I screamed his name, a piercing sound

That shattered the stiffening silence,

He laid on his back and did not move

Staring blankly at a distance.

-

I climbed down, faster! faster!

The twigs catching on my dress,

I jumped and stumbled to the ground,

The gloom compressing on my chest.

-

I ran and knelt down at his side

And said, “Are you alright?”,

But he only looked me in the eye,

Reached for my hand and held it tight.

-

Joy had retreated from his face

His breathing hoarse and raspy,

His skin had turned from dark to pale

And sweat covered his body.

-

My heart sank lower than ever before

As I brushed the hair from his eyes,

Sorrow burned deep within me,

While I began to sing a soft lullaby.

-

Once my song was over and done

I whispered low in his ear,

“I’m going to get mother and father.

You’ll be fine, no need to fear.”

-

I told him I loved him when I got up

And stood there feeling alone,

Slowly I started to walk away

Glancing back to ponder the unknown.

-

I began to run back to the farm

And burst through the screen door,

Mother and father were in the kitchen

With our dog sleeping on the floor.

-

I shouted out “You have to come!

There’s trouble at the oak!”

Between them, nervous glances passed

And the slumbering dog awoke.

-

I led them all the way to where

My only sibling laid,

Mother screamed and father gasped

As they ran over to his aid.

-

I knew what happened was not good

By the expressions on their faces,

Then father said that he was dead

Looking at me through his glasses.

-

The words struck me like a lightning bolt

They numbed me to my heart,

I could not move, I could not cry,

I began to break apart.

-

“Why, oh, why!” my mother wailed

Up to the cloudy sky,

Pulling grass out of the ground

And throwing rocks the while she cried.

-

Father stood there solemnly

And did not speak a word.

He put his hand on mother’s shoulder

To calm her flustered nerves.

-

That night I could not go to sleep

My thoughts whirled around my head,

I could not really believe it true

That my brother was really dead.

-

The grief that welled inside of me

I could no longer hide,

Hundreds of tears streamed down my cheeks

As I loudly moaned and cried.

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Part II

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Two months later we moved away

From our little farm in the country,

To the bustling city of Baltimore

That appeared vague and dirty.

-

Our new home portrayed the gloom

That followed me everywhere,

From the chipping paint to the floors that squeaked

And the stale and dusty air.

-

Since the horrid incident

That altered my young life,

I lost my pep and happiness

And accustomed to my strife.

-

I attended my first public school

In September of that year,

It was a loud and crowded place

Concealed in a cloud of drear.

-

I disliked all of the strict rules

And rushing from class to class,

The noise of all the pupils

And my worst subject - math.

-

Quietly I went my ways

And rarely spoke a word,

The children thought me strange and queer,

I was an oddball as they conjectured.

-

I passed the halls unnoticed

By all who I walked by,

Even the teachers thought I was strange

But they did not know why.

-

This is how school went about

For a few long years,

Being despised by others

In an unpleasant atmosphere.

-

The guilt was growing everyday

I felt I was to blame,

For not being there when he passed away

And causing my parents shame.

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Part III

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It was not until then when I was filled

With misery and regret,

That I realized - life is only going to be this way

If this is how I act.

-

I strove to be more positive

And let the sunshine in,

But every time I opened the curtains

They would simply close again.

-

I was not going to allow this

To make me feel depressed,

I kept on persevering

And soon got my request.

-

It started as a smile

Small upon my face,

And as the days dragged on it grew

And firmly took its place.

-

I began to open up and speak

Of what was on my mind,

Laughing for the first time in years

And leaving the stress behind.

-

As I was growing happier,

I realized at last,

That I could not have a future

If I kept living in the past.

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Part IV

-

Now looking back on all of that

I know deep down inside,

That I should always be full of joy,

And it was not my fault my brother died.

-

But often times I am reminded

As sad as it may be,

Of the empty pit inside of me...

The empty pit inside of me.