The Cleansing Tide

The healing starts and I feel the scars ripping

The panic sets and my hand meets my heart, gripping

Reaching for something it can't even feel

Hope, an anchor, or courage that's real

I question my motives with every step that I take

Wondering which one leads to where the ground breaks

I feel my demons inside me scrubbing away

Using steel wool to scrape the walls of decay

With nowhere to go, the muck settles deep down

Until it fills up my lungs, asphyxiate, drown

My body is purging the pain from the past

That I've carried to present, a hideous mask

A mask I can't simply take off and on

It's my natural armor, a part that grew wrong

Embedded like skin though it must be removed

No anesthesia to calm or to soothe

I feel every inch of me pulling away

Leaving me open, alone, and afraid

Now wounds are open, raw flesh is exposed

As if life is laughing, the wind stings as it blows

I let out a cry, the wind smothers that too

Now it's pushing and pulling, it wants me to move

But I fight it with all of the strength I have left

For in my state of pain, I think staying is best

But I am reminded just how weak I am

For despite all my trying, I'm knocked down to the sand

It's just as abrasive as the steel wool inside

Instantly beg for relief, just as quickly denied

I lay on the ground writhing in pain

As I start to go blind, I feel something like rain

But with my skin freshly peeled, and rubbed smooth by the sand

Every drop feels like acid and I just don't understand

What have I done to be so deserving of this

Not on my worst enemy would this I wish

The rain and the sand begin to transpire

Before I can stand, I'm in the muck and the mire

As I struggle, I'm digging a shallow grave

A befitting end for an unfitting knave

Wanting desperately for this pain to desist

I let myself drift, and no longer resist

I'm shutting down, I have nothing left

I pray to myself, "Let this be my last breath."

At least now, I think, I can let it all go

As I admit silently, I am not in control

Closing my eyes, the darkness sets in

I see nothing outside and feel nothing within

I don't know what happens while I am asleep

But the mud starts to harden and I don't cease to breathe

So much takes place while I am away

And how long I'm gone, I couldn't quite say

But something whispers while I'm in the ground

And tells me it's safe to come back around

My mind connects to my body again

And I am taken aback by the message it sends

"It's time to get up, it's time to move on,

You have to keep going, yes staying is wrong!"

I find that I have the strength to get up

And break apart what mud became stuck

It hurts as it peels but I welcome the pain

For it's nothing like that of the sand or the rain

Confusion sets in, I'm not sure where I'm going

As soon as it does, the wind is once again blowing

It feels uncomfortable to say the least

I am covered in dirt and it still rather stings

But I remember where fighting it led me before

And I can recognize now I'm not nearly as sore

My vision is blurred and I scarcely can see

Still afraid to move forward, the wind urges me

I'm traveling nowhere for what feels like forever

The further I go, the more my resolve severs

But something beyond me is pushing me to keep going

So blindly I trudge, destination unknowing

Until I reach what seems like the end

A vast pool of water I cannot comprehend

I can't go around and couldn't possibly swim

For I'd surely drown before my feet land again

But the wind still persists, what am I to do

If nothing else, I can wash in this pool

So I step into the water, I am completely drained

Not a thing on this journey seems less than insane

And to my surprise, oh I can't believe

The feeling I get of instant reprieve

This water I'm in washes my body whole

Much more than that, it cleanses my soul

Tears stream from my eyes as the filth washes away

Tears of relief that silently pray

I'm flooded with overwhelming waves of gratitude

For I thought it impossible, a complete change of attitude

And in this moment, I feel I can see

The wind chooses silence and ceases to be

The sun seems to take this as its beckoned cue

For it shines upon me and with its warmth I'm imbued

I decide to lay out and rest for a while

As I'm charged by the sun for my future trials

As I lay there it all finally starts to sink in

Where I have some from compared to where I now am

And I notice my once calloused, brittle façade

Has transformed into something authentic and soft

And under my chest, I can't see but I know

A red, beating heart has replaced a black hole

I begin feeling feelings I never knew

Feelings I'm eager to lean deep into

I can recognize love, forgiveness, and hope

But what feels foreign to me is the direction they go

Never before have I felt these for me

And for the first time since birth, I feel I can breathe

All the pain and the torment wasn't for not

Healing was possible despite what I thought

And through the storm I am created anew

I feel empowered yet humbled, I feel worthy and true

And behind me, I feel it, a gentle breeze

And without hesitation, I follow with ease