"The Big Abandoner"

"The Big Abandoner"

is what David called you

and if the name fits...

.

You were a lesson, I guess.

In the ability to forgive,

and I'm not there yet.

.

I opened up to you

without a moment's hesitation

and because it was so automatic,

I don't think you knew that this was rare.

.

So now,

Big Abandoner,

.

I sit here and grapple with these thoughts

of being unlovable and unworthy

of knowing how my illness takes its toll.

.

I know you are not unscathed,

but I am Wrecked.

.

Abandoner,

.

Do you know how,

were I in your shoes...

if it were You in my place

breaking down

into parts unholy,

.

Do you know how I would have

cupped your face in my hands,

and kissed your soft nose,

and told you that you were Especially

beautiful, now

when broken?

.

Maybe I'm not worth that to

You

and my love

that Real love

was wasted.

.

But know,

Abandoner,

That I am still worth something to Myself.

And to my friend

who called you that

who saved me,

He,

along with the others

after you had actually left me for dead.

...

I wrote a poem

before I met you,

.

It was about these friends

and choosing them

over the tragedy

of Love,

.

..

...

..

.

and I think that I will,

Over and Over and Over again.