The Beauty of Purpose

~🐝♥️~

Life was looking bleak for a moment. I struggle to get out of bed and can feel the normal heavy fatigue set into my eyes another day. Body aching but not from physical pain caused by exercise or the feeling of weakness from sickness, but from carrying the heavy weight of sadness on a constant basis. The best part of waking up is the bliss before it all sinks in. I slowly start getting ready, knowing this is the most awake I’ll feel all day. People will look at me and think I’m groggy from waking up, or sleepy from having taken a nap. I’ll be the only one who knows it’s exhaustion from being alive. Eventually I make it to the bus stop, eyes blinded by a sun that’s hiding behind a mountain of clouds. Everything always is too bright and blurry even with 20/20 vision. I lean against the bench but do not sit, as I know I will struggle to stand back up once the bus arrives. The cars whir by me in waves, loudness coming and going, people with their own lives entering mine and leaving all in an instant. I look to my left at the grass that fills the median and gaze upon the little flowers growing. Smaller lives born from dirt and rain. That’s when I see the bee, going from flower to flower picking the pollen from the petals. A busy bee working to collect to feed its queen. I stare as the bee inches closer and I realize that I am jealous. I am jealous that this bee gets to spend its life knowing its purpose, it’s reason for being here, and has the motivation to do it. To fly from flower to flower and take every last drop of pollen to serve the queen and its colony. It’s colony that gives it a sense of belonging. In that instant, the sun peaks out from behind the clouds and the day gets a little brighter. The grass is glowing, the bee keeps flying, and a sense of warmth washes over me. As quickly as it came, it went. The sun went back into its hiding spot and a chill washed over my spine. I look up and the bus has arrived. I look back for the bee and it is gone, for a moment so small is always fleeting.

~🐝♥️~

I wrote this piece back in 2023 during an intense mental health struggle. I recently discovered an AI art community on a website called Night Cafe, where I was able to visually bring it to life. That is the cover image of this work. It is nice to revisit this piece as it can take me back to a version of myself that I no longer recognize and see how hard she’s trying.