that ol' christmas box

i found an old box

of moms christmas decor

in the back of my walkout closet

i sat in the living room

watching tv

when i finally decided to rummage through it

in the very bottom

tied up with some beautiful string

was the most fragile looking string of lights

attached to it was a note

written in her hand

that said, some of the best times of my life

and then,

I plugged them in...

string by string

the memories flooded the room

flashbacks, like bursts of lightning

sending me reeling to a time long since past

with an urgency, pleasantly inviting

i was like an unseen mouse on the wall

in fact

no one noticed at all i was there

invading this moment, invading their space

watching it all, with no one aware

i sat for a minute, taking it all in

listening to the voices of loved ones

voices i hadn't heard in decades

sorting their packages and presents

as they prepared to celebrate christmas

the child in me shivered, but not in fear

the wonder

and

joy

that soon filled the room

i hadn't felt that in years

my heart raced as dad walked into the room

signaling it was time to tear open the gifts

when that celebration finally

arrived

it was so

WONDERful

like i had never before experienced

that sensation took over

like it never existed before it

a pureness that permeated throughout my entire body

warm and healing

bold and exciting

love

in its truest form

as the red and green lights twinkled

my eyes were opened

opened to what i had lost

to what i had given away

to the feeling of happiness

i had traded

the childhood i pushed away, in my hurry to be older

independant

and in charge

and i realized

i had exchanged

innocence for chaos

as i wandered around that room

running my fingers over the old chair

my dad occupied every evening after 7

snoring, as we put off bedtime

he simply

wanted to be in the same room as we were

his throne

his kingdom

his family

i stood close to my siblings

watching the light dance in their smiling eyes

wishing we hadn't closed those doors

allowing pride to separate us from this feeling

this magical connection

how did we ever forget it

when did we tune out

how were we so easily fooled

i sat for a moment with mom at the kitchen table

where she snacked on left overs

we watched from the dimly lit room

her whole world

nestled in the comfort of her mustard colored living room

surrounded by piles of wrapping paper

shag carpeting

and tinsel

never knowing before what a gift

she thought we were

i brushed the hair from her face

and watched, as a small tear hesitated on her cheek

she smiled softly, as she whisked it away

i was overcome with such emotion

that i closed my eyes to cry

and then, once again

as the lights began to flicker

drawing my attention away

as i blinked

i found myself

snuggled in my chair

in my house

subtly decorated

alone

holding the old strand of lights in my lap

i pause to catch my breath

thankful for the moment

i pick up my phone intending

to reconnect

surrounded by the spirit of christmas

the love that was gifted

so many years ago

blessed with the chance of a new day