That Moment Of Clarity

It hit me suddenly.

A million thoughts swirling inside me, minute after minute, day after day. I’ve analysed all of my feelings, all of the events of a shared past, from every conceivable angle. Every conceivable conclusion has been reached at some point by my mind. The word ruminating does not do this seemingly never-ending stream of consciousness justice.

I’ve settled on where it all went wrong numerous times. Each time I’ve settled my mind on where I’m at, the thoughts begin again. The conclusion I reach always places the blame on me for everything not working out how it was meant to. I first reached this conclusion long ago, even when we were still together. However, even in admitting that it was all my fault, my ego clung on to “but’s” and “if only’s”. Then one day, 12 months after we’d last been together and 6 months after we had last messaged each other, it hit me. It finally really hit me.

12 months ago, I was thinking about you every day still. 9 months ago, everything still reminded me of you. 6 months ago, I stopped being able to watch movies or listen to songs that reminded me of you. For the last 3 months… there’s only been guilt, sorrow and you. Then today, whilst standing on my balcony, watching and listening to the noisy peak hour evening traffic drive by, it hit me. My mind went silent. The moment of clarity at last. Everything was all my fault, no “if only’s” and no “but’s”. I’m sure I’ve reached this conclusion before, but this time feels different. Complete silence. My mind was still. I am the only one to blame. A sobering clarity. Sweet relief, at last.

Then it hits me once again, that sickening pain of having forever lost the only thing that ever mattered. I briefly wonder if I’ve been here before. Is this an elaborate, never-ending loop that my mind has constructed to avoid the pain of admitting that we’ll never be One again? If I can just think about it, from every conceivable angle, maybe we’ll be together again one day.